partner support - La Leche League New Zealand

The Working Mother

Post category:Working
Reading time:4 mins read

When I found I was pregnant with Sander I knew I had some decisions to
make. What sort of work could I do that would allow me adequate time with
my child and yet provide me with an income relative to my needs? I quickly
decided to attend a teacher training course to teach at secondary school. Deciding on which course to attend was dependant on the institute that would
support me with my newborn. Auckland University allowed me to take my
newborn (five week old) to all classes and lectures. It was, overall, a very
good experience.
I wasn’t comfortable breastfeeding in the class with my peers so I simply left
and sat in an empty room. I was worried that perhaps the stress of the
environment coupled with the impact of being a new mother might affect my
breastfeeding but my worries were never realised. However I did feed Sander
from one breast for the 20 months that I nursed him. He had completely
rejected the left breast from about his second week of life. Fortunately, as I
found out, one is as good as two and surprisingly no one ever noticed a
lopsided look. But who would be looking anyway!
When Sander was six weeks old I was on section (teaching placement). I had
arranged to go to the local school three minutes up the road and I informed
them of my needs regarding breastfeeding. I was able to slip home to feed
Sander and go home during any free periods. During this time my husband
was able to juggle his timetable to look after the baby while I was at school. I
expressed milk for this short period of five weeks. I had had a Caesarean and
I was still feeling fragile so the demands of expressing were an added
difficulty. However the time passed quickly and Sander seemed as keen to fit
in with me as I was to fit in around him. A darling boy. When I returned to
university Sander was able to stay with me through classes.
During this entire experience (which many of my peers thought was an insane
undertaking) breastfeeding Sander and having him share the bed at night with
my husband and I were the elements which provided relaxation and a fluid
sense of well being. These were moments of quiet and respite. I
completed the course and started as a teacher of 13 to 18 year olds the
following year when Sander was eight months old. Once again I feared that
this disruption to our lives would affect our breastfeeding routine. Our routine
did change but it was an adjustment that worked perfectly. I would feed
Sander first thing in the morning and as soon as I got home. Then we followed
the usual routine for evening and through the night. He fed every one and a
half to two hours at night until he was past the age of one year. Again my
friends expressed dismay at my way of doing things but it worked well for us.
It was in keeping with my ideals of parenting, our nursing relationship was
strong and my sense of our bond growing and strengthening was affirmed.
I found my breastfeeding relationship with my son to be the most important
factor in ensuring a smooth transition to work and sense of strong family in the
home in those early days. I was glad that I didn’t need to express for an
extended period and that my son as readily accepted a bottle while I was at
work and my breast when I was at home. I believe this was due to the six
months of full breastfeeding while I was able to take him with me.
In a few weeks I’m expecting my second child and I am anticipating an equally
rewarding breastfeeding relationship. I have six months leave before returning
to work. Once more I have made that all important contact with La Leche
League because support by women who are non judgemental and wish only
to see a mother build the best possible bond with her child is invaluable. My
experience with my La Leche League Leader Alison Stanton was fundamental
in providing me with the information and knowledge that everything is possible
to overcome the hiccups a new mother encounters.

Catherine Hutton, HowickPakuranga
Originally published in Aroha July/August 2003, Volume 5 Issue 4

I’m Returning to Work – How Did You Manage?

Post category:Working
Reading time:9 mins read

“I have a new baby and am planning to return to work at 14 weeks while my partner, Dave, stays at home with our son, James. I will be working three full days to start with and be away from home for nine hours each day. I want to keep breastfeeding but I am unsure if I will be able to express enough milk to leave at home and how Dave will manage if James is unsettled and I’m not there to breastfeed. My manager has said that I can have breastfeeding breaks at work and she is trying to make it a breastfeeding friendly place. How have other families managed the first few months of mum returning to work with a baby who is breastfed?”

Responses

Melissa Paul, Hamilton – I too returned to work for 20 hours per week when my baby was the same age, leaving bubs with her Nan. Honestly, I found it tough having to find the time in my work day to express, but SO worth it! Could Dave bring James to you for some feeds? (My baby was far too unpredictable for this). I hired a double, hospital grade pump which was fantastic and greatly reduced expressing time. I also stocked up the freezer before I went back to work and expressed on days I wasn’t working so I didn’t have to worry our girl would go hungry. Organisation is the key and remember to allow time to sterilise etc. Expressing can take a bit to get used to (looking at a pic of James may help). Dave will cope and find other ways of settling James and I’m sure they’ll have a close bond as a result. Also be prepared that bubs may reverse cycle, which for us meant feeding two hourly at night after previously sleeping through. Good luck!

Anna Marburg, Christchurch – I too returned to paid work three days a week after 14 weeks maternity leave. My partner stayed home two days a week and my daughter, Evelyn, went to day care one day a week. I’m very glad that I was able to continue breastfeeding my daughter – it helped me feel connected to her even when I was away at work. The long nursing session as soon as I walk in the door is a nice way to shift gears between work and home. As an added bonus, she seems to be sick less often than other kids at day care (touch wood!).

I’m also glad my partner got an opportunity to stay home with our daughter when she was small. Days home with me had a very different rhythm to “dad days” but she enjoyed and, I think, benefitted from both. I know we both enjoyed (most days) having the time with her. How will your partner manage a fussy baby when you’re not around to nurse? Be it long walks in the pram, cuddling James close and humming with that soothing deep male rumble, or a quick trip outside to listen to the wind in the trees, Dave will find his own way. It’s natural to be apprehensive in advance of a major transition, but in the end we all develop our own parenting style. My partner and I did some “practice” days before I started back. Turned out I needed more practice letting go than my partner needed practice being in charge!

As far as the practicalities go, I found the book Nursing Mother, Working Mother by Gale Pryor to be very helpful. In my experience, the key to expressing enough milk is to relax, and just commit to being there as long as it takes. When you first start back, it feels like you are always interrupting yourself to go pump – but trying to hurry and thinking about the clock just made it hard to get a good let down. Small things also make a big difference – turning on the heater in my ‘lactation lounge’ was good for another 10 mls. I used a plain lunch bag with a reusable ice-pack to store my milk in the tea room fridge. In my nosy and very frank office, no-one said a thing. I also found that microwave steriliser bags sold by a breast pump company to be very useful – no need to fuss with a bottle brush in the tea room or lay pump parts out to dry in a shared office – and at 20 uses per bag, reasonable value for money. A terry bag made out of an old hand towel was an easy way to keep clean pump parts separate from the other essentials in my pumping bag (hand soap, a water bottle for me, spare batteries, grease pencil for labelling bottles). Best of luck.

Aaron Marburg, Christchurch – Here’s the dad’s perspective:
We were quite lucky as our little girl was eager to drink from anything that had warm milk in it. Before Anna returned to work we had a few practice “dad days” where I would try doing the feeds and Anna could get used to pumping. It didn’t take long for us to develop our own routines, and having dad days certainly let me develop my own parenting style. Give yourself a bit of time to warm up the bottle, and find a comfortable position for the feed. Often I would sit on the floor and prop Evelyn up on my knees, facing me. Once she was big enough to hold the bottle on her own we could feed just about anywhere – on my lap in a cafe or even in the pram.

The hardest part was managing the milk inventory. On average we would drink a little less than Anna was pumping each day, but sometimes it would be more. You always have to keep an eye on how old the milk in the fridge might be, and be ready to freeze, or to thaw as needs be, particularly early on when milk is the only available food. Being able to manage the milk inventory was a real help when we transitioned to a carer, and then to a crèche. Thawing milk is just one more thing you don’t have time to do when getting ready for work in the morning. Other than that, get used to washing bottles.

Averil Sheehan, Palmerston North – A couple of things worked for us in a similar situation although Clare was nearly six months old. I started expressing milk daily prior to returning to work to build up a supply in the freezer. This was a back-up for days when I may not have been able to express as much or for the odd accident when spills happened. Initially I expressed twice during the day at work. John was able to bring Clare to work for a close to lunch time feed. In the first few weeks this was sometimes earlier than planned as Clare had got unsettled. She would always settle well after this and have a sleep. This lunch time feed encouraged by my La Leche League Leader was the best thing for all of us. In the afternoon, John would usually bath Clare if she was unsettled and it was close to me arriving home. She took a couple of anxious days to take the bottle so a spoon had to suffice initially. I didn’t think it would be possible but many people still remember Clare’s daily visits, 22 years on! Be prepared to feed last thing before going to work and first thing on return. It will be tiring but it is possible, Clare continued her lunch time breastfeeds at work up until 18 months, and I reduced the expressing to just once a day at work from about eight months. Talk to your colleagues so they know what you are doing; their support is helpful though not everyone wants to know all the details.

Heather Kinnell, Hibiscus Coast – I returned to work when my son William was three months old. Luckily I work close to home and I was able to arrange with my employer to work afternoon shifts, from 1pm to 6pm, so my husband could look after William once he had finished work. My employer allowed me to have flexible break times; whenever I needed to breastfeed was the time I could have my break. In the early days, I would feed William just before I left to go to work. At about 3:30 my husband would bring William up to work for a feed. When I got home just after 6pm, William was always starving and as soon as I got in the door it was feed time. It was pretty rough for the first few weeks. We had to get William a dummy for times when he got upset while I was away. And there were days when he was so distracted by all the lights and machines at work that he didn’t have a full feed. I knew on those days that he wouldn’t last until I got home. I would warn my husband that William was probably going to get hungry, and if he started getting upset my husband would put him in the pram and they would walk up to meet me as I was finishing work. William would have a feed and we’d walk home. It didn’t take William long to figure out that when Dadda put him in the pram, he was going to see Mum-mum and get milkies, so he was never upset for long. This second trip up to work became unnecessary once William was on solids; so long as he had a bread crust to chew, he was happy until I got home. Today, William is almost two and coming to visit Mum-mum at work is part of his routine. My husband tells me when it gets to 3:30 or 4 o’clock William will stand on the doorstep and say “Mum-mum milkies snack”, and off they’ll go on their afternoon walk.

Keeping Baby Close at Birth

Post category:Pregnancy
Reading time:4 mins read

“Because of health problems developing late in my pregnancy, I must be in hospital for the birth. I’ve read that having my baby as close as possible (skin to skin) at all times is the best way to breastfeeding success but I’m not confident I can do this in a hospital ward. How have other mothers managed to keep their babies close when staying in hospital?”

Responses

Robyn Watkins, Pukekohe – Owing to my recent work with the local maternity hospital – Middlemore – I can tell you that if the hospital you plan to give birth in is accredited under the Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative skin to skin contact between the mother and her baby is always offered and encouraged. At Middlemore it is done as soon as possible after birth and for at least an hour if there are no health concerns. Middlemore also will initiate skin to skin whenever a baby is unsettled or temperature is unstable. Skin to skin contact often leads to baby lead latching.. There are health board pamphlets available and I am sure if this mum talks to her L.M.C and makes it clear she would like this to happen ASAP it will be seen through. Middlemore even encourages and provides for skin to skin contact in theatre after caesarean births and staff will often transport mums in beds from delivery up to the ward with the baby still skin to skin with mum. Lovely to see.

Claire Hargest Slade, Timaru – I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how keen they are for you to have skin to skin contact with your baby. Make sure you write it into your birth plan with who ever will be caring for you. Many mothers have extended periods of skin to skin contact way past the first few hours after birth. There is great evidence to support this practice. Babies are less likely to experience hypoglycaemia and hyperthermia and have lower levels of stress hormones while in direct skin to skin contact with their mothers. They use fewer calories because they are using less energy to maintain their temperature. Midwives all know this, so skin to skin contact will really be at your discretion unless there is a medical reason that it can’t be so. Be assertive about having your intention documented in your notes, and you may well be surprised how well supported skin to skin really is.

Janine Pinkham, Kaiapoi – For mothers concerned about keeping babies close New Zealand is probably the best place in the world to give birth in a hospital setting. Just about all maternity units in New Zealand are now accredited as Baby Friendly. This means that they adhere to the Ten Steps to Successful Breastfeeding. Two of these steps relate to mother and baby togetherness. Step 4 calls for babies (if well) to be placed in skin to skin contact at the time of birth for at least an hour and encourages ongoing skin to skin contact. Step 7 requires “rooming in” where mothers and babies stay together 24 hours a day, just like when you get home. Some facilities even have clip on cots so that babies never need to be more than an arm’s reach away from mum and most facilities encourage mothers to bring their babies into bed with them as long as this is done safely. These and other assistance that supports breastfeeding will help you get to know your baby and get breastfeeing off to a good start.

Lisa, Hibiscus Coast – I had both my babies in hospital, the first in Wellington 19 years ago and the second Tauranga 8 years ago. Both stayed with me skin to skin for at least the first hour and then after being weighed. I was very happy with the way both labours and births went. They were both vaginal births without any interventions. The midwife and my husband knew what my wishes were and supported them. I can’t see why you wouldn’t be able to keep your baby with you at all times in hospital too.
Best wishes for an uncomplicated birth.

Is Our Family Complete?

Post category:Pregnancy
Reading time:5 mins read

“I’m wondering how other mums ‘knew’ when their families were complete. We have two beautiful children. My husband says he’s perfectly content as a family of four (we fit our house, our vehicle, our budget), and I honestly felt the same way until our youngest turned two. I now have this yearning for another baby – made worse when I am with friends who have young babies. Will this pass? Everything else in our life feels just right as it is; I am so confused by the strength of my feelings.”

Responses

Justine Merrylees, Christchurch – I have had those same feelings. We also have two children and I had very strong feelings about wanting another child. My husband said the same things, that he was happy with two and was too “old” to cope with another child. I ended up focusing on what I had but also acknowledging that it would have been nice to have another child. I realised that our family had the whole future ahead and that as our little boy turns four we have a lot of wonderful adventures to look forward to. I think it helped changing my mindset about feeling positive about who our kids were and who they were growing into.

Adith Stoneman, Kelston Auckland – I have now tried four times to write anything that could be of any help and the truth is I cannot, why not? Deciding on when the family is complete is a unique decision for any of us. What is right for one mother, father, family is simply not so for another.

We are pulled by different emotions, be them financial, global concerns, our own childhood memories. I would encourage you to accept these “yearnings”, they may simply never leave you. Babies are just so precious, so wonderful, so loving. Hence why mothers love it when they become grandmothers and that whole love cycle starts all over again.

Anthea Brown, New Plymouth – The same thing happened to us. My husband was adamant he was done, my body and hormones were suddenly telling me I wasn’t. It was ridiculous how hormonal I was, how upsetting I found other people being pregnant. I spent two years trying to logic my way past it – unsuccessfully – and with significant emotional distance occurring in our marriage due to this issue. I am not someone who usually had feelings like this but I literally felt like a presence was waiting to join us.

Luckily, in the end, our number three became sick of waiting, saw his chance and boom, four years after number two we were pregnant again. Hubby got his head around the idea in just a few days and our third child has been a fabulous addition to our family. And now I do feel done – luckily!

So my reply is that yes, in my experience you do know when you are done. If it’s just a temporary ‘cluck’ it seems to pass in about six to nine months or so. If the need for a baby is sticking round after that then certainly it’s worth thinking deeply on what it is you are looking for to ensure it is another baby you are aching for, just to check it can’t be met with another kind of ‘baby’ – new job, study, etc… or through in-home childcare or fostering.

But when it is a baby that is needed and a difference in opinion exists on having more babies, don’t try to just cope. I wish we had attended counselling, or even just me, as a decision has to be made – it’s not really something you can compromise on and letting it drift on does damage to your relationship. Hugs to you both as you negotiate this hurdle in your relationship, I have every confidence though, that you will find the best solution for your family in the end.

Lorraine Taylor, Wellington – We had very similar situation. Two children made sense to us too, but I didn’t feel ‘finished’, and hubby did. We went on to have twins, and after that we felt very finished!! Keep talking to each other – it’s a very personal thing and our emotions about it surprise us sometimes. After the twins I felt sure enough to make a permanent decision about my fertility, but I still have those clucky feelings and they take you by surprise sometimes!

Jeannie McNaughton, Papamoa – Every baby is a blessing. You have two blessings. I don’t think we can ever “know” when our family is complete. So many things are not in our conscience hands. My advice is to talk to your husband, and regardless of your joint decision whether to try for another baby or not, always remain open to the life that can bless you regardless of your conscious decision.

Adjusting to a New Sibling, Open to Tandem Feeding

Post category:Pregnancy
Reading time:8 mins read

“I am expecting our second child in a few months. I don’t know whether my two-year old will still be breastfeeding – he has shown less interest in breastfeeding as my pregnancy has progressed. I am open to tandem feeding; however, I want to be prepared for our new arrival either way. What can I do to help my two year old adjust to having a new sibling, whether he’s still breastfeeding or not?”

Responses

Jessica Parsons, Central Auckland – My son was still a very keen feeder at about two when I became pregnant the second time. As with you, he was less interested both because of the reduced milk supply and my saying “Ouch, mummy all done!” But he still wanted to feed when he could.

For tandem feeding: learn some boundaries together with your first child well before the birth. We used countdowns during breastfeeding – “1 minute! 10, 9, 8…” (This helps with numeracy, as a bonus!) We also agreed to some breastfeeding manners, because older children can develop habits which make feeding less pleasant. That distractible phase is not really a phase and it only gets stronger. I also explained to my son that the milk would be for the new baby first and then he could have his turn.

I also weaned my son onto Daddy! I knew I could not handle night duty for my son and a newborn, so about mid-pregnancy, Daddy handled night-waking and so my son was night weaned. Very late in pregnancy we coached my son to go for his first sleep with only Daddy there. He still fed during the day and in the evening, but not to sleep.

For general sibling information, I highly recommend the book Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. LLL Group libraries carry this book. It has specific strategies to practise (and avoid), and they’re not all just common sense. Perhaps some of them have worked, since Alex and Nadia get along fairly well and have lots of fun together.

Claire Hargest-Slade, Timaru – I tandem fed my second and third children. It is an interesting experience! I found that I never had an issue with supply because of two babies making the milk. Often the toddler gets stroppy just as you sit to feed the new baby. I found a great tool was a special toy box that was only opened while I was feeding. Have plenty of food and water on hand for both you and the big kid. Keep the doors closed so the toddler doesn’t disappear into the bathroom cabinet to tip $60 worth of makeup down the loo… or worse! Reading while breastfeeding involves the big baby and allows for closeness.

When the small baby is asleep, this is the time to reassure your big baby that she hasn’t been replaced – give all your attention, lots of fun cuddles, and mummy’s milk if that’s still on tap for the toddler. All children experience sibling rivalry. It’s normal and to be expected. Charlotte and Jemima are still great rivals; maybe that’s just their place in the family. Charlotte always feels sorry when she hears a new baby is on the way to “ruin the older one’s life!” A friend even suggested a homeopathic remedy to help with grief, which is worth a thought. It certainly is a big adjustment, but think of the benefits Charlotte!?

Lastly love the mother. Mothers are not bottomless pits of love and devotion. Call on dads, grandparents, friends, DVDs, new toys, to help support the big baby to realize that their life isn’t completely over when the new baby hits the ground. Caring for yourself well, with lots of nutritious food, rest, water and emotional support will help you be the best mum you can be to two babies.

Contact an LLL Leader or peer counsellor to talk over how they coped when number two, three, or more arrived. A problem shared is a problem halved. Good luck!

Cecil Tamang, Port Chalmers – I hadn’t intended to tandem feed, but my three-year-old daughter wasn’t ready to give up breastfeeding when I was pregnant with my next child. Breastfeeding did become less comfortable, and I night-weaned early in the pregnancy. By the end of pregnancy my breasts were making only small amounts of colostrum, but my daughter didn’t mind, and would breastfeed off to sleep for her day nap and have one feed first thing in the morning.

When the baby arrived, it was actually really rewarding tandem feeding. I had had lots of problems with mastitis and abscesses in my first lactation, so having a big robust breastfeeder was reassuring for me and I could call on her to help me with overfull breasts. I remember she grew enormous cheeks virtually overnight after her brother was born! As for my newborn, he benefited by having my milk supply fully there about 14 hours after the birth! There was certainly something special about feeding them both simultaneously, and I’m sure it supported my daughter’s transition from only child to sibling.

It took us a while to find a comfortable way to feed both children lying down, but eventually I managed by lying on my side, propping my newborn on a pillow with him feeding off my top breast, with my daughter curled in around him to reach my bottom breast. That way we all managed to fall asleep together for a long nap in the afternoon- a luxury I enjoyed (and depended on for survival) for the first six months.

After tandem feeding for six months, and in a trough of low emotional and physical energy, I felt that I needed to wean my daughter. She accepted gracefully, though she would likely still be feeding if it had continued to work for me. Overall, I found tandem feeding a very successful experience for all of us, and though I hadn’t initially set out to try, would certainly do it again, if only for the synchronised sleeping!

Stephanie Ross, Te Awamutu – We were not long ago faced with a similar dilemma. My girls, Eden and Heidi, are now four and 29 months. I was pregnant and I experienced similar challenges with a noticeable drop in supply, pain and incredible discomfort before, during and after feeding. I suffer from Reynaud’s, so the pain combined with the hormones of pregnancy was naturally making things rather difficult.

Around Christmas time last year we had family and friends staying for nearly a two week period when our farm workers were on holiday. Therefore I took advantage of other adults to mind Heidi, and I helped out in the dairy, at both morning and night milkings. Around this time is when feedings became like climbing Tongariro with one jandal, no wet weather gear and a 20kg pack. We hung in there until the beginning of February this year…trying to get by with the minimum every day, to keep Heidi’s sucking reflex alive. Baby arrived in April after a beautiful home birth, but Heidi had already forgotten the art of sucking.

I have experienced periods of sadness and a huge sense of loss. One day I was driving home from the hairdressers after having a special feel good session and I had tears streaming down my cheeks. I felt like I was losing my baby and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was not ready to stop breastfeeding Heidi – even though, at the time, the pain was unbearable – and she was not ready to stop either. I don’t think she weaned by choice and I feel as though the new baby took some time away from her. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself!

When thinking about what is right for you try to envision what you would like to see when your new baby arrives and devise a plan that will help you get there. Share your plan with those around you who support you in your parenting and enlist their encouragement. Looking back I should have rested more and focused on my supply (no milking cows) and spent more time skin to skin with Heidi to achieve the closeness she craves. I could have used breast warmers 24 hours a day to help my comfort level.

She still has “milkies” in her own way and drinks EBM from a cup. Instead we now read stories and I stroke her face while in the traditional feeding position to achieve the special closeness of breastfeeding.