Parenting - La Leche League New Zealand

Twiddling

Post category:Challenges
Reading time:11 mins read

“As my baby gets bigger (more than a year), I feel like I’m constantly pushing her hands away from “twiddling” my other nipple. I know it is a natural instinct to massage and rub to help with letdown, but she is much stronger now and my nipples are sensitive – it just doesn’t feel good. But I feel a bit sad that I’m refusing her efforts to touch. How do other mothers handle this?”

Responses

Clare Lyell, North Canterbury – Try wearing clothes that cover your other breast, then a necklace with big chunky beads, or a pendant that she can play with while nursing. Worked for my first and second.

Karen Swan, Canberra – My 14 month old is crazy for it! He seems to only do it when we lie down to feed before naps or, as we co-sleep, during night feeds. If I wear a nightdress/top that also exposes my other breast, he’ll be all over me, so I tend to wear something like a sleeping crop top. If he can’t see it, he tends to keep hands off or just concentrate on the fleshier part of my breast, which I can handle! Other than that, the only success I’ve had is to cover my nipple with my thumb or finger – it fools him sometimes!

It would seem the more I take his hands away, the more intent he becomes. Downside? Now he pinches me instead! I know how strange it feels; I figure he’ll grow out of it like everything else!

I hope I’ve been of some help (as LLL is to me!)

Friederike André, Thames – I could not stand the touch at the other breast, and so I held my baby’s hand to stop him from doing it. He stopped trying after what seemed to me many months and would still keep trying on and off later. I kept telling him it hurt and once he understood that, it was okay. But that really was a long time later.

Jenny Coles, Lower Hutt – Hello, I understand the feeling of being torn between meeting the emotional and physical needs of your daughter and your own comfort. Touch is a natural part of breastfeeding and parenting.

We encourage our toddler to stroke or gently hold the breast he is feeding from, while saying “soft touching, thank you”. When he reaches for or twiddles the other nipple, I remove his hand saying “ouch that hurts Mummy” or “ouch, touch softly, thank you”. We have found saying “thank you” reinforces my words as a directive, as opposed to “please” as a choice.

Some days he only needs reminding once, other days, when he is feeling ill or teething, many times at each feed. We borrowed some touch and feel books from the library and received two for his birthday. They have aided his understanding of soft and gentle, rough and ouchy. When playing we alternate between rough and tumble and quiet gentle play to help him relax and unwind before nap time and bedtime. This greatly reduced the “twiddling” initially.

You may like to read Mothering your Nursing Toddler by Norma Jane Bumgarner. Reading this helped me understand the changing dynamics of the mother-baby relationship when I was having difficulty with the balance of his needs and my own comfort. Contact your local LLL Group or library for a copy or purchase one directly from LLLNZ.

Breastfeeding manners as toddlers often comes up at LLL meetings, especially when a mother is feeling uncomfortable or undecided about her own comfort versus her child’s behaviour at the breast. I try to remind mothers about breastfeeding being a love language and this is one of the many opportunities to teach our beautiful little people we are growing about respect for others. Just as we respect their need to breastfeed for more than nutrition, they need to respect our body by being gentle with it. We wouldn’t fiddle with our child’s body parts so they were uncomfortable or in pain while they breastfed. When we gently, firmly set boundaries about how they can touch our bodies this lesson can then flow on to how to pat the cat, stroke a new sibling or a friend’s new baby. Hopefully, this respect for others becomes an admired quality in our children as they grow into adulthood.

Merewyn Groom, Lower Hutt – My daughter is 23 months and has recently started doing this too. I can’t stand it! I try not to uncover the other side so she doesn’t have too easy access and hopefully doesn’t notice it. She is old enough that I can try and explain that it hurts Mummy, and I also invite her to hold my hand which she likes to do.

If you lie down to nurse you can use the “uphill” side, in other words, if she is lying on your left then nurse from your right breast, this way you have to lean over a bit and she won’t be able to get at the lower one. When we were learning to nurse lying down this is actually how we started out and I still find it more comfortable.

Tineke Snow, Lower Hutt – I had this as Jackson got older. The only things I found helped were to distract him: give him something to hold in the free hand, play games on the free hand like this little piggy or round and round the garden.

Claire Hargest-Slade, Timaru – Charles still does this. I tickle him under his arm so he pulls his hand away. Also I’m not above tickling his nipple or “milky” as he calls it in a bit of tit for tat!

Janine Pinkham, Kaiapoi – Gosh, that takes me back. I can remember my boys getting twiddly with my nipples as they got older – or trying to; it is something I always found really annoying but somewhat mean about as I watched other mothers happily breastfeeding, braless and with their toddlers twiddling the free nipple. In short I didn’t let my children twiddle. I would hold their hands away from my other breast, usually holding firmer and firmer as the urge to find the non-latched nipple got stronger during a feed. Sometimes I used words like, “no” or “I don’t like it when you do that” or “don’t do that”. If it was too annoying I would stop the feed and cover myself up completely.

Since I usually wore a bra and covered up the non-latched nipple the opportunities for twiddling were limited to nighttimes or when wearing a bathing costume or some other unusual clothing. When my twins were toddlers they usually fed simultaneously so twiddling was not a problem. One of the lovely things about simultaneous feeding is the two children holding hands. They would “twiddle” each other’s hands too, twisting and intertwining fingers and stroking each other’s faces. Another thing that can be cuddly is gentle stroking with the hand that goes around the back of you. That can turn to pinching, which is not nice.

Breastfeeding a needs to be an enjoyable experience for the mother and the child. If you are not enjoying an aspect of breastfeeding it’s only natural to stop the annoying behaviour. Toddlers are so wonderfully huggable there are plenty of other times for skin to skin touching when you are with them during the day so they can still get all the touching they need.

Jessica Parsons, Auckland Central – It’s not nice to feel like you’re in armed combat with your child, and this is something to address now especially if you think that you may still have years of your breastfeeding relationship left. Older babies develop lightning reflexes and tricky fingers to seek out spots to send you to the roof before you know the hand was in your clothes! My youngest seems to play spider fingers on me just to keep herself amused, which can get very tickly. I often have one hand in defensive coverup position, and often I still get very pushy little fingers.

I will play gentle handholding games and kissyfingers, or move the wandering hand to the breast she’s latched on (so it’s safe). I also demonstrate to her with my hand what gentle touching does feel OK to me. It sometimes works to stroke her softly on the cheek or arm, which distracts her from touching me.

With older children you can explain that it bothers you – my five year old knows that he has to have good manners and quiet hands or it’s “all done time.” I always try to tell them what they may do instead of just saying “Don’t do that!” Also, check to see if you are modelling quiet hands. Since I don’t have to use my other hand for holding a little one, I notice that I am often finger-combing my hair or other fidgeting myself!

Elaine Winchester, Petone – This situation is one that others can learn from in advance. The solution parallels what we do if a toddler keeps putting things in the wall socket (without a cover that is!) or what mothers do when one set of grandparents find displeasure at open nursing in their home, when it’s okay with the other set.

Babies are learning even before birth and can learn from our tone of voice (firm and friendly) and consistent actions. Repeat in a kind voice “no more” or “no thanks” “uhuh” while removing the little hand. I found holding the hand or putting the clasp onto my finger helped – or another object. It takes patience, just as when they start looking/pulling around when people enter the room whilst breastfeeding.

La Leche League Leaders can prepare a mother for this situation with older babies, as well as helping her decide what she’d be most comfortable calling breastfeeding, in preparation for the toddler calling it out in public!

Rose Davis, Waiheke Island – How mothers feel while breastfeeding is important too!

The baby will be fine without twiddling your nipple and your experience of this irritation while feeding could lead to you weaning earlier than if you set limits that preserve your comfort.
I would encourage you to look after yourself on this issue, and let your baby know that playing with your nipple doesn’t feel good to you.

Your baby’s needs are of vital importance, but mothers need to care for themselves too, not least of all so that they can carry on being wonderful mothers.

Robin Jones Greif, Blenheim – This can be super annoying and be really off putting for continuing breastfeeding. After a year of age, a baby can learn that some things are just not acceptable during breastfeeding. After all, you wouldn’t let your baby bite you just because they wanted to and nipple twiddling is in the same category. A gentle “no” and removing the hand will be enough for some babies to get it; others benefit from putting something small and soft in their hand as a replacement. If it happens towards the end of a feed, if saying no doesn’t work ending the feed while telling the baby why s/he’s finished can work too.

Some children can be very resistant to stopping this, but it’s better to parent to halt this unwelcome activity than to quit breastfeeding because you just can’t stand it!

Jenny Della Torre, Sydney – If the baby is drinking well from a cup and commenced weaning, the breastfeeding time could be cut shorter as the twiddling usually does not happen at the beginning of the feed, when the baby is hungry. The breast that the baby is not feeding from could be covered. Hold the baby’s hand and stroke it gently or give your baby a favourite soft toy or small object to hold. Keep a note of which time the twiddling tends to happen more often and offer other substitutes first or use distraction. Without refusing the nursing, just cut the feeding time shorter.

I’m Returning to Work – How Did You Manage?

Post category:Working
Reading time:9 mins read

“I have a new baby and am planning to return to work at 14 weeks while my partner, Dave, stays at home with our son, James. I will be working three full days to start with and be away from home for nine hours each day. I want to keep breastfeeding but I am unsure if I will be able to express enough milk to leave at home and how Dave will manage if James is unsettled and I’m not there to breastfeed. My manager has said that I can have breastfeeding breaks at work and she is trying to make it a breastfeeding friendly place. How have other families managed the first few months of mum returning to work with a baby who is breastfed?”

Responses

Melissa Paul, Hamilton – I too returned to work for 20 hours per week when my baby was the same age, leaving bubs with her Nan. Honestly, I found it tough having to find the time in my work day to express, but SO worth it! Could Dave bring James to you for some feeds? (My baby was far too unpredictable for this). I hired a double, hospital grade pump which was fantastic and greatly reduced expressing time. I also stocked up the freezer before I went back to work and expressed on days I wasn’t working so I didn’t have to worry our girl would go hungry. Organisation is the key and remember to allow time to sterilise etc. Expressing can take a bit to get used to (looking at a pic of James may help). Dave will cope and find other ways of settling James and I’m sure they’ll have a close bond as a result. Also be prepared that bubs may reverse cycle, which for us meant feeding two hourly at night after previously sleeping through. Good luck!

Anna Marburg, Christchurch – I too returned to paid work three days a week after 14 weeks maternity leave. My partner stayed home two days a week and my daughter, Evelyn, went to day care one day a week. I’m very glad that I was able to continue breastfeeding my daughter – it helped me feel connected to her even when I was away at work. The long nursing session as soon as I walk in the door is a nice way to shift gears between work and home. As an added bonus, she seems to be sick less often than other kids at day care (touch wood!).

I’m also glad my partner got an opportunity to stay home with our daughter when she was small. Days home with me had a very different rhythm to “dad days” but she enjoyed and, I think, benefitted from both. I know we both enjoyed (most days) having the time with her. How will your partner manage a fussy baby when you’re not around to nurse? Be it long walks in the pram, cuddling James close and humming with that soothing deep male rumble, or a quick trip outside to listen to the wind in the trees, Dave will find his own way. It’s natural to be apprehensive in advance of a major transition, but in the end we all develop our own parenting style. My partner and I did some “practice” days before I started back. Turned out I needed more practice letting go than my partner needed practice being in charge!

As far as the practicalities go, I found the book Nursing Mother, Working Mother by Gale Pryor to be very helpful. In my experience, the key to expressing enough milk is to relax, and just commit to being there as long as it takes. When you first start back, it feels like you are always interrupting yourself to go pump – but trying to hurry and thinking about the clock just made it hard to get a good let down. Small things also make a big difference – turning on the heater in my ‘lactation lounge’ was good for another 10 mls. I used a plain lunch bag with a reusable ice-pack to store my milk in the tea room fridge. In my nosy and very frank office, no-one said a thing. I also found that microwave steriliser bags sold by a breast pump company to be very useful – no need to fuss with a bottle brush in the tea room or lay pump parts out to dry in a shared office – and at 20 uses per bag, reasonable value for money. A terry bag made out of an old hand towel was an easy way to keep clean pump parts separate from the other essentials in my pumping bag (hand soap, a water bottle for me, spare batteries, grease pencil for labelling bottles). Best of luck.

Aaron Marburg, Christchurch – Here’s the dad’s perspective:
We were quite lucky as our little girl was eager to drink from anything that had warm milk in it. Before Anna returned to work we had a few practice “dad days” where I would try doing the feeds and Anna could get used to pumping. It didn’t take long for us to develop our own routines, and having dad days certainly let me develop my own parenting style. Give yourself a bit of time to warm up the bottle, and find a comfortable position for the feed. Often I would sit on the floor and prop Evelyn up on my knees, facing me. Once she was big enough to hold the bottle on her own we could feed just about anywhere – on my lap in a cafe or even in the pram.

The hardest part was managing the milk inventory. On average we would drink a little less than Anna was pumping each day, but sometimes it would be more. You always have to keep an eye on how old the milk in the fridge might be, and be ready to freeze, or to thaw as needs be, particularly early on when milk is the only available food. Being able to manage the milk inventory was a real help when we transitioned to a carer, and then to a crèche. Thawing milk is just one more thing you don’t have time to do when getting ready for work in the morning. Other than that, get used to washing bottles.

Averil Sheehan, Palmerston North – A couple of things worked for us in a similar situation although Clare was nearly six months old. I started expressing milk daily prior to returning to work to build up a supply in the freezer. This was a back-up for days when I may not have been able to express as much or for the odd accident when spills happened. Initially I expressed twice during the day at work. John was able to bring Clare to work for a close to lunch time feed. In the first few weeks this was sometimes earlier than planned as Clare had got unsettled. She would always settle well after this and have a sleep. This lunch time feed encouraged by my La Leche League Leader was the best thing for all of us. In the afternoon, John would usually bath Clare if she was unsettled and it was close to me arriving home. She took a couple of anxious days to take the bottle so a spoon had to suffice initially. I didn’t think it would be possible but many people still remember Clare’s daily visits, 22 years on! Be prepared to feed last thing before going to work and first thing on return. It will be tiring but it is possible, Clare continued her lunch time breastfeeds at work up until 18 months, and I reduced the expressing to just once a day at work from about eight months. Talk to your colleagues so they know what you are doing; their support is helpful though not everyone wants to know all the details.

Heather Kinnell, Hibiscus Coast – I returned to work when my son William was three months old. Luckily I work close to home and I was able to arrange with my employer to work afternoon shifts, from 1pm to 6pm, so my husband could look after William once he had finished work. My employer allowed me to have flexible break times; whenever I needed to breastfeed was the time I could have my break. In the early days, I would feed William just before I left to go to work. At about 3:30 my husband would bring William up to work for a feed. When I got home just after 6pm, William was always starving and as soon as I got in the door it was feed time. It was pretty rough for the first few weeks. We had to get William a dummy for times when he got upset while I was away. And there were days when he was so distracted by all the lights and machines at work that he didn’t have a full feed. I knew on those days that he wouldn’t last until I got home. I would warn my husband that William was probably going to get hungry, and if he started getting upset my husband would put him in the pram and they would walk up to meet me as I was finishing work. William would have a feed and we’d walk home. It didn’t take William long to figure out that when Dadda put him in the pram, he was going to see Mum-mum and get milkies, so he was never upset for long. This second trip up to work became unnecessary once William was on solids; so long as he had a bread crust to chew, he was happy until I got home. Today, William is almost two and coming to visit Mum-mum at work is part of his routine. My husband tells me when it gets to 3:30 or 4 o’clock William will stand on the doorstep and say “Mum-mum milkies snack”, and off they’ll go on their afternoon walk.

Is Our Family Complete?

Post category:Pregnancy
Reading time:5 mins read

“I’m wondering how other mums ‘knew’ when their families were complete. We have two beautiful children. My husband says he’s perfectly content as a family of four (we fit our house, our vehicle, our budget), and I honestly felt the same way until our youngest turned two. I now have this yearning for another baby – made worse when I am with friends who have young babies. Will this pass? Everything else in our life feels just right as it is; I am so confused by the strength of my feelings.”

Responses

Justine Merrylees, Christchurch – I have had those same feelings. We also have two children and I had very strong feelings about wanting another child. My husband said the same things, that he was happy with two and was too “old” to cope with another child. I ended up focusing on what I had but also acknowledging that it would have been nice to have another child. I realised that our family had the whole future ahead and that as our little boy turns four we have a lot of wonderful adventures to look forward to. I think it helped changing my mindset about feeling positive about who our kids were and who they were growing into.

Adith Stoneman, Kelston Auckland – I have now tried four times to write anything that could be of any help and the truth is I cannot, why not? Deciding on when the family is complete is a unique decision for any of us. What is right for one mother, father, family is simply not so for another.

We are pulled by different emotions, be them financial, global concerns, our own childhood memories. I would encourage you to accept these “yearnings”, they may simply never leave you. Babies are just so precious, so wonderful, so loving. Hence why mothers love it when they become grandmothers and that whole love cycle starts all over again.

Anthea Brown, New Plymouth – The same thing happened to us. My husband was adamant he was done, my body and hormones were suddenly telling me I wasn’t. It was ridiculous how hormonal I was, how upsetting I found other people being pregnant. I spent two years trying to logic my way past it – unsuccessfully – and with significant emotional distance occurring in our marriage due to this issue. I am not someone who usually had feelings like this but I literally felt like a presence was waiting to join us.

Luckily, in the end, our number three became sick of waiting, saw his chance and boom, four years after number two we were pregnant again. Hubby got his head around the idea in just a few days and our third child has been a fabulous addition to our family. And now I do feel done – luckily!

So my reply is that yes, in my experience you do know when you are done. If it’s just a temporary ‘cluck’ it seems to pass in about six to nine months or so. If the need for a baby is sticking round after that then certainly it’s worth thinking deeply on what it is you are looking for to ensure it is another baby you are aching for, just to check it can’t be met with another kind of ‘baby’ – new job, study, etc… or through in-home childcare or fostering.

But when it is a baby that is needed and a difference in opinion exists on having more babies, don’t try to just cope. I wish we had attended counselling, or even just me, as a decision has to be made – it’s not really something you can compromise on and letting it drift on does damage to your relationship. Hugs to you both as you negotiate this hurdle in your relationship, I have every confidence though, that you will find the best solution for your family in the end.

Lorraine Taylor, Wellington – We had very similar situation. Two children made sense to us too, but I didn’t feel ‘finished’, and hubby did. We went on to have twins, and after that we felt very finished!! Keep talking to each other – it’s a very personal thing and our emotions about it surprise us sometimes. After the twins I felt sure enough to make a permanent decision about my fertility, but I still have those clucky feelings and they take you by surprise sometimes!

Jeannie McNaughton, Papamoa – Every baby is a blessing. You have two blessings. I don’t think we can ever “know” when our family is complete. So many things are not in our conscience hands. My advice is to talk to your husband, and regardless of your joint decision whether to try for another baby or not, always remain open to the life that can bless you regardless of your conscious decision.

Friendship Challenges

Post category:Mothering
Reading time:11 mins read

“My friend and I have babies only a few weeks apart. It was great supporting each other throughout our pregnancies but now it has changed as I am breastfeeding and she is not. I know she had a tough time so I am careful not to talk about breastfeeding too much in case it makes her feel bad, but it has still become a barrier between us.

It’s irrelevant to me how she feeds her baby – she is a wonderful, loving mother, but when she’s not telling me how “lucky” I am, she’s telling me how I should be introducing an evening bottle to my own baby to help her sleep better. Every conversation we have about our babies has become a minefield and it’s really getting to me. How have other mothers coped with this situation?”

Responses

Rose Davis, Waiheke Island – I have found that some friendships become difficult because of differences in approaches to parenting. I decided to spend more time with people whose parenting I feel comfortable with, because I enjoy their company more.

It seems like you might need to directly address the issue of breastfeeding vs bottle feeding with your friend, so that it doesn’t lurk beneath every conversation. I would suggest gently telling your friend that you think she’s a great mum, but you believe in breastfeeding and are able to breastfeed without any trouble, so you don’t plan to use bottles of formula.I think some mums who can’t/don’t breastfeed feel guilty and inadequate about it. They tend to keep raising the issue because they want to be reassured that they are still good mothers. Maybe being aware of this might help too.

Lisa Ross, Dunedin – I think I would respond with something like “we are two Mums on different journeys with our children and have to do what feels right for us and go with our maternal instincts. It doesn’t mean one of us is right and the other wrong. It just means everyone is different with unique situations that they respond to in their own way.”

Raegan Dutch, Kelston Auckland – When I read this it makes me wonder if it could be a good idea for you, your friend and your babies to spend time together at the park or try an activity like playgroup. This could make it easier to have conversations about the babies’ activities in a specific environment rather than talking about what they do or don’t do at other times in their day. When the discussion is focused on what is happening right in front of you it may help to avoid conversational “minefields”, allowing you to enjoy each other’s company and time with your babies.

Celia Perrott, Hawkes Bay – How mothers feed their babies does seem to be an emotionally charged subject at times, not helped much by media influences which often seem intent on driving a wedge between breastfeeding and bottle feeding mums. We as La Leche League mothers usually feel very passionate about exclusive breastfeeding, but in the reality of our society, the line is not always clear cut; quite a few mums feed both breast and formula milk, and others may wean from breastmilk onto formula, or others wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t end up that way.
I think I would tend to agree with your friend wherever possible e.g. if she says how lucky you are, you could acknowledge that you have been fortunate in that respect (even if you don’t necessarily feel that it has been all down to luck!) as sometimes mothers may have faced large obstacles, or a lack of support in breastfeeding. Some mums may also feel a sense of failure or huge disappointment if breastfeeding didn’t work out well, as breastfeeding is so strongly promoted as the ideal, so it’s important to tread carefully and not invoke a defensive reaction. Research shows that the vast majority of mothers do intend to breastfeed, but there are many many factors which may jeopardize this (but that’s a whole separate subject).

On the talk about giving a bottle at night, just say that you have decided to stick with breastmilk for now as it’s working out okay, and if her baby is sleeping long hours at night perhaps say something positive about that, so she feels affirmed in what she is doing too. In this parenting lark I think it’s all about supporting one another and avoiding sensitive and controversial issues, especially if a friendship is valuable.Even if a good friend makes quite different parenting decisions from us, we can all respect difference and still give an encouraging word.

Adith Stoneman, Kelston Auckland – When we become mothers, many of us find ourselves bombarded by well meaning, loving people that give us advice. Sometimes that advice is quite helpful for mothers, however, often it is not, it is undermining a mother’s ability to mother her own baby, it is disempowering her and that is always wrong.

No person knows the baby better then the mother. She is the one that spends the most time with the baby, getting to know the baby better every day.Parenting styles are as varied as “babies”, and we as mothers/parents need to find the style that suits us and our babies best. Topics of feeding, sleeping, immunisation, returning to work etc are hotly debated issues by mothers/parents and the media. And maybe we need to just agree to disagree on these.

Many mothers find a network of support that has like-minded mothers/parents to help them on their parenting journey. I would encourage you to do just that. Find the women in your community that you can relate and talk to about issues of your parenting choice. If you have an opportunity to share issues with like-minded women, then you do not need to discuss this with your friend and tactfully you can avoid conversations about issues that you know you have different views on. We do not need to lose our friends because we have chosen a different way of parenting, though sadly we often do and I am sure that many mothers can relate to you.

Jill Allan, Melbourne – I didn’t experience this myself, having seen less and less of my antenatal group as they were moving in their own direction and I was taking the ‘LLL’ path. On the rare occasions I heard about what I considered a less-than-optimal breastfeeding experience, post-natal depression, whatever, in the past, I felt the best thing to do for my friend, in the present, was to listen, and to agree.

Your friend wants more than listening and agreeing, I think. She knows that the weight of medical, social and societal opinion is approving of your choice, while your babies are less than six months of age. In one of Pinky McKay’s books she discusses what is called bottle-feeding mothers’ “guilt” because she feels that it is not guilt but grief. This resonated with me, as having been on the receiving end of some deeply-felt tirades, the vehemence expressed by those mothers did seem more like a side effect of grief, rather than guilt. In my own experience, guilt doesn’t make me feel threatened or annoyed enough to attack other people, it’s just a faint sort of pang in my conscience which makes me want to apologise and do things differently next time; whereas grief is an actual pain.

Your friend seeks validation from you, as she “knows” she has “failed” and so unconsciously wants someone else to follow her methods so that she is not alone in her failure. It’s very tricky. If you say “yes, a nighttime bottle is a good idea,” then your friend will expect you to use one. Saying “I’m happy with the amount that my baby is sleeping right now,” could be seen as re-asserting the superiority of breastfeeding, which is already an open wound for your friend. “I can see that it works really well for you” is also slightly divisive so all I can think of is a change of subject – “Your baby is looking so well, s/he must have grown/be developing/learnt lots of new things.” Developmental steps forward, which babies make almost every day at this stage, are a good source of conversation. And then… some non-baby conversation! Take the babies out, visit a café, get some fresh air, walk through a shopping mall …

The weight of societal disapproval felt by your friend will ease as the two babies pass the age of six months. In my personal experience; which is outdated, but I am sure vestiges of this attitude remain – breastfeeding a six-month-old baby is a Very Good Thing, and breastfeeding a baby over the age of one is, for society at large, an equally Bad Thing.

As your friendsenses less general disapproval for her use of a bottle, and consequently feels more confident in the general ‘rightness’ of her mothering, you may gradually come to feel disapproval from others for continuing to do the thing that gained their complete approval less than twelve months ago.The same disapproval that your friend felt for not breastfeeding a small baby could swing round and attack you, for breastfeeding a toddler. And this may cause a shift in the friendship, making it even more difficult to sustain. “You should try a bottle” conversations could be replaced by conversations which begin “when are you going to wean?”

There will be more situations that test the strength of the part of your friendship that is not about babies. In my opinion, developing the non-baby areas the two of you have in common will see you through this and other differences. I am willing to bet that your opinions on the best time to toilet train are not going to be the same….

Robin Jones Greif, Blenheim – This can be a difficult situation, but it’s important to remember it may only be the first of many as your baby grows and your parenting choices increase. There are several approaches you could take, from emphasising the positive way you see your friend interacting with her baby to tackling the situation head on. If you are able to, a frank conversation may be helpful for both of you. You could tell her you can see how much your breastfeeding seems to upset her and you are sorry about this. She needs to know that her comments are damaging the friendship and this makes you sad. Mothering is not a competitive sport and focussing on all the many things you have in common is the only way you can move forward.

Please realise that your friend is grieving for the loss of the breastfeeding relationship she had dreamed of having before her baby was born and is taking this out on you by trying to undermine your breastfeeding experience. She may not even realise this is happening and may not appreciate how it is impacting on the friendship you shared. Hopefully this will get better with time as she realises that there are other ways to show that she is a ‘good’ mother. It would be great if, by the time she has her next baby, she can approach this as a new chance to breastfeed.

Janet Wilson, Papakura – I was in a similar situation. It became more and more difficult, and because both children were ‘firsts’ there were many situations (coffee groups were the worst) where comparisons were made about everything to do with our babies. I found that LLL became a great place to reaffirm my faith in breastfeeding and talk to my heart’s content about all things breastfeeding!

Gradually I made friends that were in the same parenting sphere. I planned my outings with other friends, and made sure I was feeling confident about my choices. It also helped to NOT get into discussions – not easy, but things like meeting at the pool, walking, and doing activities left less time for the minefield compared with sitting down and chatting.

Nursing Mother, Working Mother

Post category:Book Reviews Parenting Books
Reading time:2 mins read

Nursing Mother, Working Mother

In revising this edition of her classic text, Gale Pryor (daughter of Karen) has been joined by
another equally well-known US author in the area of breastfeeding, Kathleen Huggins.
The result is a thorough and reassuring compendium of most things that a new mother who is
intending to return to work after the birth of her first baby, or subsequent babies, needs to know.
The differences between the US and NZ conditions of employment can be disregarded as the
parents’ feelings, and the adjustments and preparations they have to make, are the same.
The sections on sleep and working parents are warm and reassuring. Most new research is taken
into account, and the usual background information is given about how we went from many
millions of years of everyone sleeping together, to the recent developments that in the Western
World are called ‘civilisation’, and their attendant baby-and-mother-separating apparatus of
individual bedrooms, cots, etc. The positive aspects of night-time interaction between mothers
and babies are stressed, and methods of ensuring everyone gets some sleep are outlined.
I was particularly impressed with the suggestions of how to cooperate and build solidarity with
other mothers in the workplace. These could be of real benefit to many women in this situation,
especially those in larger workplaces.

Original review, printed in Aroha Volume 10 Number 3

Nursing Mother, Working Mother
Revised Edition
By Gale Pryor and Kathleen Huggins
Harvard Common Press, 2009
Reviewed by Jill Allan, LLLNZ