friendship - La Leche League New Zealand

Childfree Wedding Invite

Post category:Challenges
Reading time:13 mins read

“A good friend of mine has invited my husband and me to her wedding in a few months’ time. The invitation, however, is not extended to my 13 month old, from whom I have never been separated for more than an hour or two. My little boy is still nursing frequently and I am not at all happy about the thought of leaving him with anyone in order to attend the wedding.

I have tried to explain to my friend why I don’t want to leave my toddler but it was clear from her reaction that she didn’t understand – she appeared hurt and offended. I really do value our longstanding friendship but equally cannot contemplate separating from my toddler at this stage. What have other mothers done in similar situations?”

Responses

Janette Busch, Christchurch – Some mothers have coped with this situation by having a friend, relative or usual babysitter close by looking after the baby (in a car, at a playground, etc) and then this person contacts the mother if the child needs her. There are often quite large gaps between the ceremony and the reception that mum can visit with the child so the actual time away need not be very long. Expect too that as long as the bride sees the mother at the ceremony and the reception at least once she will have no idea if the mother was away for a short time.

Verity Osborn, Christchurch – I have been in a similar situation with a good friend and her wedding. My little girl was 10 months old at the time and also a very frequent feeder. My friend had been a very good friend to me over the years but had not had children and did not quite understand my need as a mum. I met a compromise by attending the wedding with my parents in tow as my husband was a full time university student and could not assist because of exams.

I attended the ceremony while my little girl slept in the buggy and my parents took her for a walk in the surrounding suburbs and park. I then fed her and spent some time with them before being dropped at the reception where I had a celebratory drink and some nibbles and went back to my parents who patiently waited nearby at the ready. I managed an hour or so at the reception before the wee one had just had her fill for the day.

My friend was happy to see me there and appreciated the effort I made. I felt I had made the effort for my friend and my little one was not compromised. Not the ultimate way to attend a wedding but it was the just the way it had to be at that time in my life. My parents were very obliging and realised the situation I was in and wanted to help for a few hours of one day.

Anita Edwards, Upper Hutt – For me there would have been two options and of course hindsight makes it really easy to say now! My kids are now five and ten years old. I am a long term breastfeeder and the five year old is still having a two minute suck at night (bar the odd night I am at a meeting).

I would have to think whether our friendship had a future, not just a past, she may understand once she has kids or she still may not.

I suffered long term post natal depression with both my children, so my early on experiences of not leaving them are somewhat skewed from that. I think that it would have been good for both me and my oldest (I got a bit more relaxed with my second child), if I had gone out occasionally and left him with people I trusted. With my PND the trouble was that I didn’t trust anyone (not even my husband!). Once, for my husband’s work function, we hired a room at the same hotel and my brother babysat for us, so I knew I could pop back easily if needed and not be missed from the event.

It’s a really tough call and if you do choose to leave your baby with someone, he won’t be damaged from the experience even if he cries for a bit and is upset, but find someone that you trust who will follow the timeframe you choose for how long to leave it till they contact you. And maybe have a few practise tries, it does get easier and the time apart from my kids always makes me appreciate them even more. Good luck with your decision, you aren’t alone in not wanting to leave your child.

Catherine Butler, Martinborough – This can be a tough one. So often, before we have children ourselves, we really don’t even begin to understand how important a part of our lives they can become, and how sometimes a seemingly independent toddler really still needs his Mum very close, to check in with for those regular feeds.

We’ve been to a few weddings with our now two year old. Fortunately she was invited and was able to be a part of the day quite happily and slept in my arms/her buggy for a lot of it, even sitting quietly at the top table for one. So if you do get the chance to broach the subject with your friend, try to find out why she doesn’t want your little one there. I know I was sort of anti-kids at my own wedding many years ago. I was afraid of having loads of screaming toddlers running round the place on my “special day”. Maybe you could reassure her of your little one’s behaviour if that is the case.

Another idea, if your friend is determined, is to have a relation or friend your little one knows well (or even your husband if there is nobody else you would feel happy leaving him with) mind him someplace nearby (e.g. hotel room) and you can go and meet them throughout the day to give him a little feed. More recently we attended a wedding and my parents were able to come along and stay in the hotel (bit pricey, I know) and minded my little girl for the church part. We checked in with her throughout the day when she wanted to, and I nursed her to sleep in their hotel room that evening and went downstairs to continue dancing.

I appreciate this is a really difficult situation; you don’t want to offend a good friend, and yet leaving your son for a whole day-night would seem catastrophic to him. This would ideally be something your friend would come to understand, and you could come to an agreement with her as to how you could manage to attend the wedding and have your son with you (or nearby).

I really hope you can work it out. I’d also recommend wearing an outfit you can feed easily in eg, a two piece, or dress with loose top you can strategically drape a wrap or scarf over.

Alicia Poroa, Christchurch – It can be challenging when faced with the differing needs of those we care about. I experienced a similar situation with a cousins’ wedding and I did go along with my two littlies, but this was after I expressed that I could not leave the children with anyone and come to the wedding. They decided they would rather have me at the wedding, than not and allowed the children to attend. I expressed to my family my fear of leaving the children and the anxiety that I would face if I did leave them. I also acknowledged some of the concerns that my cousin could have regarding having the children attend. An example of some concerns could be the cost of extra catering, children affecting the ambience of the wedding, that you may not enjoy yourself and the seating plans.

What you could do in regards to the probable concerns is assure your friend that you have thought these out and ways to overcome them. For example, having your wedding guest partner (assuming you are taking someone) take your wee one out for a walk or play when it gets too much, like during the ceremony. Or having a stroller or baby wearing sling or pack for settling and showing her that you are a talented breastfeeder who can feed inconspicuously at the best of times (if that’s a concern).

I think that if you give her a chance to think it over and acknowledge her fears, the situation will mend itself with time. It could be that she has so much to think about, the stress and overload is a barrier to making a decision that works for you all. If this is an enduring friendship then you will get through it and still have your relationship. Another experience that I will share is that sometimes relationships change after having children as well. I hope you have a lovely time with your little one whatever the decision.

Joy Elliot, Upper Hutt – I see this as being similar to having to work. Try to take the emotion out of the situation and not be offended by your friend’s reaction by thinking about what options could work for both of you. This way you can respect your friend’s view and still love your toddler and yourself.

Maybe have a friend take your toddler to a park or fun place nearby and when they need feeding have your friend pop back with your son so you can feed him in a foyer or similar quiet place inside the wedding/reception venue. If it is at night this may be trickier. You may need to think about going to the wedding/reception and leaving early so everyone is happy. I hope you find a happy solution for all of you.

Rowena Harper, Hamilton – Gosh, what a terrible predicament. Although I can’t offer any advice from experience, perhaps you could tackle her wedding in two parts: the ceremony, where the odd squawk shouldn’t worry anyone (after all this is the bit that is theoretically open to the public in order to ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’) and the breakfast, with all the speeches, dinner and dancing.

Perhaps accept the invitation to the ceremony on behalf of you and your toddler (then you get to see the important teary bit), and decline the reception as you want to respect her wish to not have children attend. You could also add to the reply that as much as you would love to attend, right now, circumstances dictate that you are not able to separate from your child. If she is adamant about having no children, she will accept your compromise.

Yes, she might not understand now, but good friends get over the bad times, and hopefully one day, she will be blessed with children too and might come to understand your decision.

Karen Silvers, Christchurch – I too have not wanted to be separated from my young children and found little support or empathy from others. This also applied to my desire to meet my children’s needs at night and to breastfeed them in general. One wonderful LLL Leader once told me that not wanting to leave my young children with anyone else was entirely natural – an expression of lactation aggression seen widely in the animal kingdom. What animal would leave their offspring until they can fend for themselves?

While it has been truly wondrous to watch my young children develop relationships with other adults, it never occurred to me that they should be left alone to do this until they were able to express their needs clearly. My children are both secure, strong and healthy, and I know that I’ll never regret putting them first at such an early stage of development.

My advice is to go back to your friend and tell her exactly how you are feeling and to say that it isn’t something you can really compromise on as it would go against your strong mother instinct. Acknowledge her wish to keep her wedding day child free but see if she is willing to work out a way for you to attend some or all of the celebration. Find out exactly why she is unwilling to invite children to the wedding. For instance, she might be worried that they will disrupt the service. If this is the case, you might decide not to attend or perhaps you could agree to take your toddler out if they get noisy. Other options include having someone to care for your toddler outside the ceremony venue or leaving them with family for the duration of the ceremony, and then either bringing them to the reception or returning home to them.
All the very best with this, and remember to stay true to yourself and your parenting journey.

Michelle Bennett, Christchurch – I can totally see both sides of this situation. When I got married almost 3 years ago I asked my family and friends not to bring their children – my reasoning was that I had attended a wedding a few years ago where the children (niece & nephew of the bride) totally ran riot and diverted the attention of the guests away from the service. My friends fortunately were fine with this.

I went to a wedding six weeks after my daughter was born and although my friends did not ask me to come without my daughter, I felt that it would be hypocritical to do so. My sister came along with me and my husband and I went into the church at the last minute and my sister just walked my daughter around in the pram.. We then went home before the reception and did her bed/feed routine and Mum minded her so we could go to the reception.

It is a difficult situation for you to be placed in but even if you did what I did and attended the service you can still see your friend get married even if you feel you can’t leave your son for the evening part of the proceedings. It is her special day as much as her decision may be hurtful for you.

Julie Moyle, Dunedin – I too faced a similar situation when invited to my own brother’s wedding. It breaks my heart to this day when I think about it.

I had to do what was right for my then baby and respectfully decline the invitation. This caused a lot of stress on our family dynamics with a major breakdown however I was simply not prepared to compromise the safety and security of our son. I pleaded for an allowance for our then eight month old, as did my parents but this fell on deaf ears.

If I was faced with the dilemma again. I would have no hesitation in making the very same decision, even with the same outcome. I am pleased to say the relationship has improved, and who knows, maybe because my brother now has children of his own?

Friendship Challenges

Post category:Mothering
Reading time:11 mins read

“My friend and I have babies only a few weeks apart. It was great supporting each other throughout our pregnancies but now it has changed as I am breastfeeding and she is not. I know she had a tough time so I am careful not to talk about breastfeeding too much in case it makes her feel bad, but it has still become a barrier between us.

It’s irrelevant to me how she feeds her baby – she is a wonderful, loving mother, but when she’s not telling me how “lucky” I am, she’s telling me how I should be introducing an evening bottle to my own baby to help her sleep better. Every conversation we have about our babies has become a minefield and it’s really getting to me. How have other mothers coped with this situation?”

Responses

Rose Davis, Waiheke Island – I have found that some friendships become difficult because of differences in approaches to parenting. I decided to spend more time with people whose parenting I feel comfortable with, because I enjoy their company more.

It seems like you might need to directly address the issue of breastfeeding vs bottle feeding with your friend, so that it doesn’t lurk beneath every conversation. I would suggest gently telling your friend that you think she’s a great mum, but you believe in breastfeeding and are able to breastfeed without any trouble, so you don’t plan to use bottles of formula.I think some mums who can’t/don’t breastfeed feel guilty and inadequate about it. They tend to keep raising the issue because they want to be reassured that they are still good mothers. Maybe being aware of this might help too.

Lisa Ross, Dunedin – I think I would respond with something like “we are two Mums on different journeys with our children and have to do what feels right for us and go with our maternal instincts. It doesn’t mean one of us is right and the other wrong. It just means everyone is different with unique situations that they respond to in their own way.”

Raegan Dutch, Kelston Auckland – When I read this it makes me wonder if it could be a good idea for you, your friend and your babies to spend time together at the park or try an activity like playgroup. This could make it easier to have conversations about the babies’ activities in a specific environment rather than talking about what they do or don’t do at other times in their day. When the discussion is focused on what is happening right in front of you it may help to avoid conversational “minefields”, allowing you to enjoy each other’s company and time with your babies.

Celia Perrott, Hawkes Bay – How mothers feed their babies does seem to be an emotionally charged subject at times, not helped much by media influences which often seem intent on driving a wedge between breastfeeding and bottle feeding mums. We as La Leche League mothers usually feel very passionate about exclusive breastfeeding, but in the reality of our society, the line is not always clear cut; quite a few mums feed both breast and formula milk, and others may wean from breastmilk onto formula, or others wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t end up that way.
I think I would tend to agree with your friend wherever possible e.g. if she says how lucky you are, you could acknowledge that you have been fortunate in that respect (even if you don’t necessarily feel that it has been all down to luck!) as sometimes mothers may have faced large obstacles, or a lack of support in breastfeeding. Some mums may also feel a sense of failure or huge disappointment if breastfeeding didn’t work out well, as breastfeeding is so strongly promoted as the ideal, so it’s important to tread carefully and not invoke a defensive reaction. Research shows that the vast majority of mothers do intend to breastfeed, but there are many many factors which may jeopardize this (but that’s a whole separate subject).

On the talk about giving a bottle at night, just say that you have decided to stick with breastmilk for now as it’s working out okay, and if her baby is sleeping long hours at night perhaps say something positive about that, so she feels affirmed in what she is doing too. In this parenting lark I think it’s all about supporting one another and avoiding sensitive and controversial issues, especially if a friendship is valuable.Even if a good friend makes quite different parenting decisions from us, we can all respect difference and still give an encouraging word.

Adith Stoneman, Kelston Auckland – When we become mothers, many of us find ourselves bombarded by well meaning, loving people that give us advice. Sometimes that advice is quite helpful for mothers, however, often it is not, it is undermining a mother’s ability to mother her own baby, it is disempowering her and that is always wrong.

No person knows the baby better then the mother. She is the one that spends the most time with the baby, getting to know the baby better every day.Parenting styles are as varied as “babies”, and we as mothers/parents need to find the style that suits us and our babies best. Topics of feeding, sleeping, immunisation, returning to work etc are hotly debated issues by mothers/parents and the media. And maybe we need to just agree to disagree on these.

Many mothers find a network of support that has like-minded mothers/parents to help them on their parenting journey. I would encourage you to do just that. Find the women in your community that you can relate and talk to about issues of your parenting choice. If you have an opportunity to share issues with like-minded women, then you do not need to discuss this with your friend and tactfully you can avoid conversations about issues that you know you have different views on. We do not need to lose our friends because we have chosen a different way of parenting, though sadly we often do and I am sure that many mothers can relate to you.

Jill Allan, Melbourne – I didn’t experience this myself, having seen less and less of my antenatal group as they were moving in their own direction and I was taking the ‘LLL’ path. On the rare occasions I heard about what I considered a less-than-optimal breastfeeding experience, post-natal depression, whatever, in the past, I felt the best thing to do for my friend, in the present, was to listen, and to agree.

Your friend wants more than listening and agreeing, I think. She knows that the weight of medical, social and societal opinion is approving of your choice, while your babies are less than six months of age. In one of Pinky McKay’s books she discusses what is called bottle-feeding mothers’ “guilt” because she feels that it is not guilt but grief. This resonated with me, as having been on the receiving end of some deeply-felt tirades, the vehemence expressed by those mothers did seem more like a side effect of grief, rather than guilt. In my own experience, guilt doesn’t make me feel threatened or annoyed enough to attack other people, it’s just a faint sort of pang in my conscience which makes me want to apologise and do things differently next time; whereas grief is an actual pain.

Your friend seeks validation from you, as she “knows” she has “failed” and so unconsciously wants someone else to follow her methods so that she is not alone in her failure. It’s very tricky. If you say “yes, a nighttime bottle is a good idea,” then your friend will expect you to use one. Saying “I’m happy with the amount that my baby is sleeping right now,” could be seen as re-asserting the superiority of breastfeeding, which is already an open wound for your friend. “I can see that it works really well for you” is also slightly divisive so all I can think of is a change of subject – “Your baby is looking so well, s/he must have grown/be developing/learnt lots of new things.” Developmental steps forward, which babies make almost every day at this stage, are a good source of conversation. And then… some non-baby conversation! Take the babies out, visit a café, get some fresh air, walk through a shopping mall …

The weight of societal disapproval felt by your friend will ease as the two babies pass the age of six months. In my personal experience; which is outdated, but I am sure vestiges of this attitude remain – breastfeeding a six-month-old baby is a Very Good Thing, and breastfeeding a baby over the age of one is, for society at large, an equally Bad Thing.

As your friendsenses less general disapproval for her use of a bottle, and consequently feels more confident in the general ‘rightness’ of her mothering, you may gradually come to feel disapproval from others for continuing to do the thing that gained their complete approval less than twelve months ago.The same disapproval that your friend felt for not breastfeeding a small baby could swing round and attack you, for breastfeeding a toddler. And this may cause a shift in the friendship, making it even more difficult to sustain. “You should try a bottle” conversations could be replaced by conversations which begin “when are you going to wean?”

There will be more situations that test the strength of the part of your friendship that is not about babies. In my opinion, developing the non-baby areas the two of you have in common will see you through this and other differences. I am willing to bet that your opinions on the best time to toilet train are not going to be the same….

Robin Jones Greif, Blenheim – This can be a difficult situation, but it’s important to remember it may only be the first of many as your baby grows and your parenting choices increase. There are several approaches you could take, from emphasising the positive way you see your friend interacting with her baby to tackling the situation head on. If you are able to, a frank conversation may be helpful for both of you. You could tell her you can see how much your breastfeeding seems to upset her and you are sorry about this. She needs to know that her comments are damaging the friendship and this makes you sad. Mothering is not a competitive sport and focussing on all the many things you have in common is the only way you can move forward.

Please realise that your friend is grieving for the loss of the breastfeeding relationship she had dreamed of having before her baby was born and is taking this out on you by trying to undermine your breastfeeding experience. She may not even realise this is happening and may not appreciate how it is impacting on the friendship you shared. Hopefully this will get better with time as she realises that there are other ways to show that she is a ‘good’ mother. It would be great if, by the time she has her next baby, she can approach this as a new chance to breastfeed.

Janet Wilson, Papakura – I was in a similar situation. It became more and more difficult, and because both children were ‘firsts’ there were many situations (coffee groups were the worst) where comparisons were made about everything to do with our babies. I found that LLL became a great place to reaffirm my faith in breastfeeding and talk to my heart’s content about all things breastfeeding!

Gradually I made friends that were in the same parenting sphere. I planned my outings with other friends, and made sure I was feeling confident about my choices. It also helped to NOT get into discussions – not easy, but things like meeting at the pool, walking, and doing activities left less time for the minefield compared with sitting down and chatting.