Family

Childfree Wedding Invite

  • Post category:Challenges
  • Reading time:13 mins read

“A good friend of mine has invited my husband and me to her wedding in a few months’ time. The invitation, however, is not extended to my 13 month old, from whom I have never been separated for more than an hour or two. My little boy is still nursing frequently and I am not at all happy about the thought of leaving him with anyone in order to attend the wedding.

I have tried to explain to my friend why I don’t want to leave my toddler but it was clear from her reaction that she didn’t understand – she appeared hurt and offended. I really do value our longstanding friendship but equally cannot contemplate separating from my toddler at this stage. What have other mothers done in similar situations?”

Responses

Janette Busch, Christchurch – Some mothers have coped with this situation by having a friend, relative or usual babysitter close by looking after the baby (in a car, at a playground, etc) and then this person contacts the mother if the child needs her. There are often quite large gaps between the ceremony and the reception that mum can visit with the child so the actual time away need not be very long.  Expect too that as long as the bride sees the mother at the ceremony and the reception at least once she will have no idea if the mother was away for a short time.

Verity Osborn, Christchurch – I have been in a similar situation with a good friend and her wedding. My little girl was 10 months old at the time and also a very frequent feeder.  My friend had been a very good friend to me over the years but had not had children and did not quite understand my need as a mum.  I met a compromise by attending the wedding with my parents in tow as my husband was a full time university student and could not assist because of exams.

I attended the ceremony while my little girl slept in the buggy and my parents took her for a walk in the surrounding suburbs and park.  I then fed her and spent some time with them before being dropped at the reception where I had a celebratory drink and some nibbles and went back to my parents who patiently waited nearby at the ready. I managed an hour or so at the reception before the wee one had just had her fill for the day.

My friend was happy to see me there and appreciated the effort I made. I felt I had made the effort for my friend and my little one was not compromised. Not the ultimate way to attend a wedding but it was the just the way it had to be at that time in my life. My parents were very obliging and realised the situation I was in and wanted to help for a few hours of one day.

Anita Edwards, Upper Hutt – For me there would have been two options and of course hindsight makes it really easy to say now!  My kids are now five and ten years old.  I am a long term breastfeeder and the five year old is still having a two minute suck at night (bar the odd night I am at a meeting).

I would have to think whether our friendship had a future, not just a past, she may understand once she has kids or she still may not.

I suffered long term post natal depression with both my children, so my early on experiences of not leaving them are somewhat skewed from that. I think that it would have been good for both me and my oldest (I got a bit more relaxed with my second child), if I had gone out occasionally and left him with people I trusted. With my PND the trouble was that I didn’t trust anyone (not even my husband!). Once, for my husband’s work function, we hired a room at the same hotel and my brother babysat for us, so I knew I could pop back easily if needed and not be missed from the event.

It’s a really tough call and if you do choose to leave your baby with someone, he won’t be damaged from the experience even if he cries for a bit and is upset, but find someone that you trust who will follow the timeframe you choose for how long to leave it till they contact you. And maybe have a few practise tries, it does get easier and the time apart from my kids always makes me appreciate them even more. Good luck with your decision, you aren’t alone in not wanting to leave your child.

Catherine Butler, Martinborough – This can be a tough one. So often, before we have children ourselves, we really don’t even begin to understand how important a part of our lives they can become, and how sometimes a seemingly independent toddler really still needs his Mum very close, to check in with for those regular feeds.

We’ve been to a few weddings with our now two year old. Fortunately she was invited and was able to be a part of the day quite happily and slept in my arms/her buggy for a lot of it, even sitting quietly at the top table for one. So if you do get the chance to broach the subject with your friend, try to find out why she doesn’t want your little one there. I know I was sort of anti-kids at my own wedding many years ago. I was afraid of having loads of screaming toddlers running round the place on my “special day”. Maybe you could reassure her of your little one’s behaviour if that is the case.

Another idea, if your friend is determined, is to have a relation or friend your little one knows well (or even your husband if there is nobody else you would feel happy leaving him with) mind him someplace nearby (e.g. hotel room) and you can go and meet them throughout the day to give him a little feed.  More recently we attended a wedding and my parents were able to come along and stay in the hotel (bit pricey, I know) and minded my little girl for the church part. We checked in with her throughout the day when she wanted to, and I nursed her to sleep in their hotel room that evening and went downstairs to continue dancing.

I appreciate this is a really difficult situation; you don’t want to offend a good friend, and yet leaving your son for a whole day-night would seem catastrophic to him. This would ideally be something your friend would come to understand, and you could come to an agreement with her as to how you could manage to attend the wedding and have your son with you (or nearby).

I really hope you can work it out. I’d also recommend wearing an outfit you can feed easily in eg, a two piece, or dress with loose top you can strategically drape a wrap or scarf over.

Alicia Poroa, Christchurch – It can be challenging when faced with the differing needs of those we care about. I experienced a similar situation with a cousins’ wedding and I did go along with my two littlies, but this was after I expressed that I could not leave the children with anyone and come to the wedding.  They decided they would rather have me at the wedding, than not and allowed the children to attend.  I expressed to my family my fear of leaving the children and the anxiety that I would face if I did leave them. I also acknowledged some of the concerns that my cousin could have regarding having the children attend.  An example of some concerns could be the cost of extra catering, children affecting the ambience of the wedding, that you may not enjoy yourself and the seating plans.

What you could do in regards to the probable concerns is assure your friend that you have thought these out and ways to overcome them. For example, having your wedding guest partner (assuming you are taking someone) take your wee one out for a walk or play when it gets too much, like during the ceremony. Or having a stroller or baby wearing sling or pack for settling and showing her that you are a talented breastfeeder who can feed inconspicuously at the best of times (if that’s a concern).

I think that if you give her a chance to think it over and acknowledge her fears, the situation will mend itself with time. It could be that she has so much to think about, the stress and overload is a barrier to making a decision that works for you all.  If this is an enduring friendship then you will get through it and still have your relationship. Another experience that I will share is that sometimes relationships change after having children as well. I hope you have a lovely time with your little one whatever the decision.

Joy Elliot, Upper Hutt – I see this as being similar to having to work. Try to take the emotion out of the situation and not be offended by your friend’s reaction by thinking about what options could work for both of you. This way you can respect your friend’s view and still love your toddler and yourself.

Maybe have a friend take your toddler to a park or fun place nearby and when they need feeding have your friend pop back with your son so you can feed him in a foyer or similar quiet place inside the wedding/reception venue. If it is at night this may be trickier. You may need to think about going to the wedding/reception and leaving early so everyone is happy. I hope you find a happy solution for all of you.

Rowena Harper, Hamilton – Gosh, what a terrible predicament. Although I can’t offer any advice from experience, perhaps you could tackle her wedding in two parts: the ceremony, where the odd squawk shouldn’t worry anyone (after all this is the bit that is theoretically open to the public in order to ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’) and the breakfast, with all the speeches, dinner and dancing.

Perhaps accept the invitation to the ceremony on behalf of you and your toddler (then you get to see the important teary bit), and decline the reception as you want to respect her wish to not have children attend.  You could also add to the reply that as much as you would love to attend, right now, circumstances dictate that you are not able to separate from your child. If she is adamant about having no children, she will accept your compromise.

Yes, she might not understand now, but good friends get over the bad times, and hopefully one day, she will be blessed with children too and might come to understand your decision.

Karen Silvers, Christchurch – I too have not wanted to be separated from my young children and found little support or empathy from others. This also applied to my desire to meet my children’s needs at night and to breastfeed them in general. One wonderful LLL Leader once told me that not wanting to leave my young children with anyone else was entirely natural – an expression of lactation aggression seen widely in the animal kingdom. What animal would leave their offspring until they can fend for themselves?

While it has been truly wondrous to watch my young children develop relationships with other adults, it never occurred to me that they should be left alone to do this until they were able to express their needs clearly. My children are both secure, strong and healthy, and I know that I’ll never regret putting them first at such an early stage of development.

My advice is to go back to your friend and tell her exactly how you are feeling and to say that it isn’t something you can really compromise on as it would go against your strong mother instinct. Acknowledge her wish to keep her wedding day child free but see if she is willing to work out a way for you to attend some or all of the celebration. Find out exactly why she is unwilling to invite children to the wedding. For instance, she might be worried that they will disrupt the service. If this is the case, you might decide not to attend or perhaps you could agree to take your toddler out if they get noisy. Other options include having someone to care for your toddler outside the ceremony venue or leaving them with family for the duration of the ceremony, and then either bringing them to the reception or returning home to them.
All the very best with this, and remember to stay true to yourself and your parenting journey.

Michelle Bennett, Christchurch – I can totally see both sides of this situation.  When I got married almost 3 years ago I asked my family and friends not to bring their children – my reasoning was that I had attended a wedding a few years ago where the children (niece & nephew of the bride) totally ran riot and diverted the attention of the guests away from the service.  My friends fortunately were fine with this.

I went to a wedding six weeks after my daughter was born and although my friends did not ask me to come without my daughter, I felt that it would be hypocritical to do so. My sister came along with me and my husband and I went into the church at the last minute and my sister just walked my daughter around in the pram.. We then went home before the reception and did her bed/feed routine and Mum minded her so we could go to the reception.

It is a difficult situation for you to be placed in but even if you did what I did and attended the service you can still see your friend get married even if you feel you can’t leave your son for the evening part of the proceedings. It is her special day as much as her decision may be hurtful for you.

Julie Moyle, Dunedin – I too faced a similar situation when invited to my own brother’s wedding. It breaks my heart to this day when I think about it.

I had to do what was right for my then baby and respectfully decline the invitation. This caused a lot of stress on our family dynamics with a major breakdown however I was simply not prepared to compromise the safety and security of our son. I pleaded for an allowance for our then eight month old, as did my parents but this fell on deaf ears.

If I was faced with the dilemma again. I would have no hesitation in making the very same decision, even with the same outcome. I am pleased to say the relationship has improved, and who knows, maybe because my brother now has children of his own?

Continue ReadingChildfree Wedding Invite

Is Our Family Complete?

  • Post category:Pregnancy
  • Reading time:5 mins read

“I’m wondering how other mums ‘knew’ when their families were complete. We have two beautiful children. My husband says he’s perfectly content as a family of four (we fit our house, our vehicle, our budget), and I honestly felt the same way until our youngest turned two. I now have this yearning for another baby – made worse when I am with friends who have young babies. Will this pass? Everything else in our life feels just right as it is; I am so confused by the strength of my feelings.”

Responses

Justine Merrylees, Christchurch – I have had those same feelings.  We also have two children and I had very strong feelings about wanting another child.  My husband said the same things, that he was happy with two and was too “old” to cope with another child.  I ended up focusing on what I had but also acknowledging that it would have been nice to have another child.  I realised that our family had the whole future ahead and that as our little boy turns four we have a lot of wonderful adventures to look forward to.  I think it helped changing my mindset about feeling positive about who our kids were and who they were growing into.

Adith Stoneman, Kelston Auckland – I have now tried four times to write anything that could be of any help and the truth is I cannot, why not?  Deciding on when the family is complete is a unique decision for any of us. What is right for one mother, father, family is simply not so for another.

We are pulled by different emotions, be them financial, global concerns, our own childhood memories.  I would encourage you to accept these “yearnings”, they may simply never leave you.  Babies are just so precious, so wonderful, so loving.  Hence why mothers love it when they become grandmothers and that whole love cycle starts all over again.

Anthea Brown, New Plymouth – The same thing happened to us.  My husband was adamant he was done, my body and hormones were suddenly telling me I wasn’t.  It was ridiculous how hormonal I was, how upsetting I found other people being pregnant.  I spent two years trying to logic my way past it – unsuccessfully – and with significant emotional distance occurring in our marriage due to this issue.  I am not someone who usually had feelings like this but I literally felt like a presence was waiting to join us.

Luckily, in the end, our number three became sick of waiting, saw his chance and boom, four years after number two we were pregnant again.  Hubby got his head around the idea in just a few days and our third child has been a fabulous addition to our family.  And now I do feel done – luckily!

So my reply is that yes, in my experience you do know when you are done.   If it’s just a temporary ‘cluck’ it seems to pass in about six to nine months or so.  If the need for a baby is sticking round after that then certainly it’s worth thinking deeply on what it is you are looking for to ensure it is another baby you are aching for, just to check it can’t be met with another kind of ‘baby’ – new job, study, etc… or through in-home childcare or fostering.

But when it is a baby that is needed and a difference in opinion exists on having more babies, don’t try to just cope. I wish we had attended counselling, or even just me, as a decision has to be made – it’s not really something you can compromise on and letting it drift on does damage to your relationship.   Hugs to you both as you negotiate this hurdle in your relationship, I have every confidence though, that you will find the best solution for your family in the end.

Lorraine Taylor, Wellington – We had very similar situation. Two children made sense to us too, but I didn’t feel ‘finished’, and hubby did.  We went on to have twins, and after that we felt very finished!!  Keep talking to each other – it’s a very personal thing and our emotions about it surprise us sometimes.  After the twins I felt sure enough to make a permanent decision about my fertility, but I still have those clucky feelings and they take you by surprise sometimes!

Jeannie McNaughton, Papamoa – Every baby is a blessing. You have two blessings. I don’t think we can ever “know” when our family is complete.  So many things are not in our conscience hands. My advice is to talk to your husband, and regardless of your joint decision whether to try for another baby or not, always remain open to the life that can bless you regardless of your conscious decision.

Continue ReadingIs Our Family Complete?

Adjusting to a New Sibling, Open to Tandem Feeding

  • Post category:Pregnancy
  • Reading time:8 mins read

“I am expecting our second child in a few months.  I don’t know whether my two-year old will still be breastfeeding – he has shown less interest in breastfeeding as my pregnancy has progressed.  I am open to tandem feeding; however, I want to be prepared for our new arrival either way.  What can I do to help my two year old adjust to having a new sibling, whether he’s still breastfeeding or not?”

Responses

Jessica Parsons, Central Auckland – My son was still a very keen feeder at about two when I became pregnant the second time.  As with you, he was less interested both because of the reduced milk supply and my saying “Ouch, mummy all done!”  But he still wanted to feed when he could.

For tandem feeding:  learn some boundaries together with your first child well before the birth.  We used countdowns during breastfeeding – “1 minute!   10, 9, 8…” (This helps with numeracy, as a bonus!)  We also agreed to some breastfeeding manners, because older children can develop habits which make feeding less pleasant.  That distractible phase is not really a phase and it only gets stronger.  I also explained to my son that the milk would be for the new baby first and then he could have his turn.

I also weaned my son onto Daddy!  I knew I could not handle night duty for my son and a newborn, so about mid-pregnancy, Daddy handled night-waking and so my son was night weaned.  Very late in pregnancy we coached my son to go for his first sleep with only Daddy there.  He still fed during the day and in the evening, but not to sleep.

For general sibling information, I highly recommend the book Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  LLL Group libraries carry this book.  It has specific strategies to practise (and avoid), and they’re not all just common sense.  Perhaps some of them have worked, since Alex and Nadia get along fairly well and have lots of fun together.

Claire Hargest-Slade, Timaru – I tandem fed my second and third children. It is an interesting experience!  I found that I never had an issue with supply because of two babies making the milk. Often the toddler gets stroppy just as you sit to feed the new baby. I found a great tool was a special toy box that was only opened while I was feeding.  Have plenty of food and water on hand for both you and the big kid.  Keep the doors closed so the toddler doesn’t disappear into the bathroom cabinet to tip $60 worth of makeup down the loo… or worse! Reading while breastfeeding involves the big baby and allows for closeness.

When the small baby is asleep, this is the time to reassure your big baby that she hasn’t been replaced – give all your attention, lots of fun cuddles, and mummy’s milk if that’s still on tap for the toddler. All children experience sibling rivalry. It’s normal and to be expected. Charlotte and Jemima are still great rivals; maybe that’s just their place in the family.  Charlotte always feels sorry when she hears a new baby is on the way to “ruin the older one’s life!” A friend even suggested a homeopathic remedy to help with grief, which is worth a thought. It certainly is a big adjustment, but think of the benefits Charlotte!?

Lastly love the mother. Mothers are not bottomless pits of love and devotion. Call on dads, grandparents, friends, DVDs, new toys, to help support the big baby to realize that their life isn’t completely over when the new baby hits the ground. Caring for yourself well, with lots of nutritious food, rest, water and emotional support will help you be the best mum you can be to two babies.

Contact an LLL Leader or peer counsellor to talk over how they coped when number two, three, or more arrived.  A problem shared is a problem halved. Good luck!

Cecil Tamang, Port Chalmers – I hadn’t intended to tandem feed, but my three-year-old daughter wasn’t ready to give up breastfeeding when I was pregnant with my next child. Breastfeeding did become less comfortable, and I night-weaned early in the pregnancy. By the end of pregnancy my breasts were making only small amounts of colostrum, but my daughter didn’t mind, and would breastfeed off to sleep for her day nap and have one feed first thing in the morning.

When the baby arrived, it was actually really rewarding tandem feeding. I had had lots of problems with mastitis and abscesses in my first lactation, so having a big robust breastfeeder was reassuring for me and I could call on her to help me with overfull breasts. I remember she grew enormous cheeks virtually overnight after her brother was born! As for my newborn, he benefited by having my milk supply fully there about 14 hours after the birth! There was certainly something special about feeding them both simultaneously, and I’m sure it supported my daughter’s transition from only child to sibling.

It took us a while to find a comfortable way to feed both children lying down, but eventually I managed by lying on my side, propping my newborn on a pillow with him feeding off my top breast, with my daughter curled in around him to reach my bottom breast. That way we all managed to fall asleep together for a long nap in the afternoon- a luxury I enjoyed (and depended on for survival) for the first six months.

After tandem feeding for six months, and in a trough of low emotional and physical energy, I felt that I needed to wean my daughter. She accepted gracefully, though she would likely still be feeding if it had continued to work for me. Overall, I found tandem feeding a very successful experience for all of us, and though I hadn’t initially set out to try, would certainly do it again, if only for the synchronised sleeping!

Stephanie Ross, Te Awamutu – We were not long ago faced with a similar dilemma. My girls, Eden and Heidi, are now four and 29 months. I was pregnant and I experienced similar challenges with a noticeable drop in supply, pain and incredible discomfort before, during and after feeding. I suffer from Reynaud’s, so the pain combined with the hormones of pregnancy was naturally making things rather difficult.

Around Christmas time last year we had family and friends staying for nearly a two week period when our farm workers were on holiday. Therefore I took advantage of other adults to mind Heidi, and I helped out in the dairy, at both morning and night milkings. Around this time is when feedings became like climbing Tongariro with one jandal, no wet weather gear and a 20kg pack.  We hung in there until the beginning of February this year…trying to get by with the minimum every day, to keep Heidi’s sucking reflex alive. Baby arrived in April after a beautiful home birth, but Heidi had already forgotten the art of sucking.

I have experienced periods of sadness and a huge sense of loss. One day I was driving home from the hairdressers after having a special feel good session and I had tears streaming down my cheeks. I felt like I was losing my baby and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was not ready to stop breastfeeding Heidi – even though, at the time, the pain was unbearable – and she was not ready to stop either. I don’t think she weaned by choice and I feel as though the new baby took some time away from her. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself!

When thinking about what is right for you try to envision what you would like to see when your new baby arrives and devise a plan that will help you get there. Share your plan with those around you who support you in your parenting and enlist their encouragement. Looking back I should have rested more and focused on my supply (no milking cows) and spent more time skin to skin with Heidi to achieve the closeness she craves. I could have used breast warmers 24 hours a day to help my comfort level.

She still has “milkies” in her own way and drinks EBM from a cup. Instead we now read stories and I stroke her face while in the traditional feeding position to achieve the special closeness of breastfeeding.

Continue ReadingAdjusting to a New Sibling, Open to Tandem Feeding

Being an At-Home Mother

  • Post category:Mothering
  • Reading time:9 mins read

While I was growing up, and during my pregnancy with my first child, Finn, now three and a half, I always thought I would work outside the home as well as having my children. I believed: it would provide ‘a healthy balance’ for me to work part time, that it was important to share in the bringing in of income into the household, that I would avoid the ‘trap of female dependence’ (I’d read a lot of Simone de Beauvoir and other feminist writers), and that it was important to keep my mind active.

I was entitled to one year’s maternity leave, and left work one month before Finn was due. I had discussed the possibility that I might return to work 10 to 18 hours a week. I loved my job, and the people at work were fantastic, encouraging me to leave it open and decide after Finn was born what would work.

Finn’s birth, attended by his father, Loren, my oldest friend, Cilla, and our midwife Yvette, was a truly sacred experience. Cilla’s six week old baby, my godson Ngaru, called Finn out into the world, and the six of us shared that awe, wonder, intimacy and intense physicality of welcoming a new baby. My heart opened so wide! Finn shared our bed, breastfed, lit up our sleep deprived lives.

Somehow when Finn was still tiny, I negotiated that I would return to work 10 hours a week from the time he was six months old. My mother would be Finn’s caregiver. She was going to move back to New Zealand from Scotland to be with Finn while I worked. I had it all planned!

When Finn was three weeks old, a Plunket nurse visited and reduced me to tears, telling me: he was old enough now to be left to cry for up to 15 minutes, he should be sleeping in another room, and if I didn’t keep picking him up every time he cried, he’d soon be off to sleep. She said the only reason I wasn’t letting him cry to sleep was that I lacked confidence.

I’d read The Continuum Concept by J. Liedloff long before I had my children and it made sense to me, but I felt vulnerable and distressed by this home visit, and quickly rang old friends for support. Debbie and Cilla told me to trust myself and that no one knew my baby better than me. A while later, everyone
in my antenatal group was having issues with their babies’ sleep. I wasn’t concerned about Finn’s sleep – he just snuggled into me and had his mother’s milk when he wanted to and we both slept fine but
he was rolling now, and I was worried about leaving him in our bed for a daytime sleep – Debbie
suggested I contact La Leche League.

I started going to meetings at Christchurch West Group, and I am hugely grateful to the Leaders, Anne Isbister and Faith Alexander and to the other women in that Group, not only for having lots of experience and helpful suggestions about cosleeping, but for being with me and for me while I was
tussling with what to do about going back to work.

I couldn’t leave Finn. He’d never seen or touched a bottle. At about five months I’d tried expressing and giving him my milk in a bottle. Wise baby. He would play with the bottle but wouldn’t drink from it. I can remember breastfeeding him to sleep on a mattress he had been playing on, on the living room floor, and saying to myself, “I can’t leave him!” There wasn’t a same time he slept every day, it was different from day to day, and he breastfed to sleep (another thing the Plunket nurse had told me was a real nono).

I couldn’t see how I could do it but more importantly, I didn’t want to. I worked through my concerns about letting them down at work after they had bent over backwards for me, and about my mother having set aside six months of her life to be there for Finn, and booked her tickets which were nonrefundable, and about our family income, and my future prospects in the career world. It all finally came down to me wanting to be with my baby, me wanting to be with him. And my partner Loren wanted that too. I can still remember us doing arithmetic and budgets and working out together what it
would mean, how we could do it. My LLL Group was alongside me throughout. Within the next few months, after not going back to work, Finn had chickenpox, infant measles, impetigo,
surgery for a perianal fistula and developed eczema. Working first with orthodox medicine and then with a naturopath and an anthroposophical doctor we had a 24 hour regime of care for him. Many times a day we administered drops, ointments, things to take with his food. I ate no wheat, dairy, eggs, peanuts or tomatoes. We worked on his acupressure points and did other treatments. It was a fulltime
job!

We started Playcentre when Finn was 14 months old. He loved it right away and still does. Our Playcentre whanau has given tremendous support to our family and we’ve seen Finn grow from a very
attached baby and toddler into the independent and self assured (and still very attached) three and a half year old he is now.

When Finn was 16 months old, Lila was born at home with the same awesome team and Julie and Rose, our midwives, as well as Finn and Grannie (my mum) and our friend Cathra. Cradling my tiny wet daughter in the birthing pool and seeing Finn’s look of wonder, my heart was full to bursting. Finn and Lila exchanged a look, of recognition, I thought, and then Finn wanted to show his baby sister how to breastfeed, and hold her little hand. I remember my astonishment when Finn went from breastfeeding about three times a day and not at night, to feeding all day and all night at every opportunity like
his newborn sister. Loren was an amazing support, especially at night. He would bring me whichever child needed their “num nums”, and hold and cuddle the other, settling that child with him. Again, the support of my LLL Group helped get me through. Our current Leaders, Linda Dockrill and Susan Proctor, devoted a whole meeting to looking at how I might wean Finn to one less feed a day, helping me chart each time he breastfed, and suggesting alternatives I might try. Sometimes I was feeding Finn
because I just wasn’t able to put in place all the other things that he needed as well as meeting Lila’s needs.

Thank you Linda and Susan for your encouragement and care that helped me find my way. I am still tandem feeding, and can’t believe Finn is having “num nums” only every other night at bedtime. This was his idea when we were talking about how he is growing up and someday he won’t have “num nums” anymore. He decides and we mark it on a calendar for a week or so ahead whether it’s a “num nums” night or not a “num nums” night. He checks his calendar and proudly lets us know what’s happening that night. Lila is still having lots of “num nums” in the day and in the night, and I am so much more relaxed with her as I realise that she will let me know when she is ready for her next step. I am really loving my breastfeeding relationship with my daughter.

It is all so worth it! Being at home and out in the community, at Playcentre and other places with my children means I am there with them in all or most of their experiences. I know what they are talking about when no one else does, and what they are remembering because I was there with them. I am rewarded by events such as: coming home from a busy morning at Playcentre and going to bed in the middle of a Finn and Lila ‘sandwich’ (with a few extra “num nums” to keep them sleeping); stopping what I am doing to help make a hut or build blocks or read a story or play in the sandpit. For a time, I was doing nothing much else except being with them, seeing them roll, crawl, walk, learn to eat solid food eventually after playing with it for a long time. Yes the laundry did somehow get done and sometimes meals on the table too, though we share with Christie Means (Aroha Vol 5 no 2 – March/April 2003) the fish and chip solution. Articles, such as Christie’s, in Aroha have been uplifting, inspiring and also very practical support for me over this last year when it hasn’t been easy to get to meetings.

I am grateful to be able to live life to our timetable, to know (or at least have an intuition or instinct) when tiredness, hunger, teething or getting sick affects my children’s behaviour; and how to comfort them. I am able to support their development at their own pace, knowing it is right for me to be with my
children, right here, right now. And what of my development? I have learnt not to blame the children for what they do, not to get angry with them when I get hurt. The list goes on and on. Sometimes it seems hard, especially when I’m very tired, and I imagine walking out the door in the morning dressed beautifully and spending a day achieving something tangible. But I am sure deep down that this may be the most important work I will ever do, together with my partner; the raising of these two human beings to be all they can be, and along the way to strive to be all I can be.

By Robyn Madden, Christchurch West
Originally printed in Aroha, March April, 2004

Continue ReadingBeing an At-Home Mother
Read more about the article Feed Yourself, Feed Your Family

Feed Yourself, Feed Your Family

Feed Yourself, Feed Your Family

This is the new nutrition and cookbook from LLLI – the old favourite, Whole Foods for the Whole
Family is now looking rather old, battered and dated. This isn’t just a cookbook – in fact there are
only 75 recipes in the whole book, it also gives vital information about nutritional needs (and what
foods to avoid) at various stages of life. It is divided into sections which cover the gamut of
nutrition, looking after yourself, solids, family foods and weaning in a lovely ‘conversation’ style,
punctuated with some delicious and nutritious recipes. One reviewer really wishes it had been
around when she was a new mum as it would have been a handy kitchen manual.
It generally has a relaxed approach, full of great ideas, like ‘foods you can eat with one hand’,
meals that give you more nutritional value, child-pleasing recipes, make-ahead and no-cook meals
as well as ideas for if you don’t eat meat. It has a good discussion about solids readiness and
baby-led introduction of solids and weaning. A few old favourites from Whole Foods for the Whole
Family are included, along with many new recipes. It often refers to the Womanly Art of
Breastfeeding and other LLLI books, but it doesn’t really talk about breastfeeding itself, except in
terms of stages and lifestyle and looking after yourself while breastfeeding.
The recipes use imperial measurements rather than metric, although there are conversion charts
at the back of the book. A few of the ingredients may be unfamiliar to some New Zealand readers,
but LLLNZ is inserting a glossary into each book to clear up any possible confusion.
The photos are lovely – although some may find them staged, and a little unreal. This is not a
cookbook with a photo for each recipe, although those that have been photographed look very
tempting. It is a very contemporary looking book and will appeal widely.

Original review, printed in Aroha Volume 14 Number 3

Feed Yourself, Feed Your Family
Good Nutrition and Healthy Cooking for New Moms and
Growing Families
LLLI, Ballantine Books, USA, 2012
Reviewed by Lorraine Taylor and Rosemary Gordon, LLLNZ

Continue ReadingFeed Yourself, Feed Your Family