Twiddling

  • Post category:Challenges
  • Reading time:11 mins read

“As my baby gets bigger (more than a year), I feel like I’m constantly pushing her hands away from “twiddling” my other nipple.  I know it is a natural instinct to massage and rub to help with letdown, but she is much stronger now and my nipples are sensitive – it just doesn’t feel good.  But I feel a bit sad that I’m refusing her efforts to touch.  How do other mothers handle this?”

Responses

Clare Lyell, North Canterbury – Try wearing clothes that cover your other breast, then a necklace with big chunky beads, or a pendant that she can play with while nursing. Worked for my first and second.


Karen Swan, Canberra – My 14 month old is crazy for it!  He seems to only do it when we lie down to feed before naps or, as we co-sleep, during night feeds.  If I wear a nightdress/top that also exposes my other breast, he’ll be all over me, so I tend to wear something like a sleeping crop top.  If he can’t see it, he tends to keep hands off or just concentrate on the fleshier part of my breast, which I can handle!  Other than that, the only success I’ve had is to cover my nipple with my thumb or finger – it fools him sometimes!

It would seem the more I take his hands away, the more intent he becomes.  Downside?  Now he pinches me instead!  I know how strange it feels; I figure he’ll grow out of it like everything else!

I hope I’ve been of some help (as LLL is to me!)


Friederike André, Thames – I could not stand the touch at the other breast, and so I held my baby’s hand to stop him from doing it. He stopped trying after what seemed to me many months and would still keep trying on and off later. I kept telling him it hurt and once he understood that, it was okay. But that really was a long time later.


Jenny Coles, Lower Hutt – Hello, I understand the feeling of being torn between meeting the emotional and physical needs of your daughter and your own comfort. Touch is a natural part of breastfeeding and parenting.

We encourage our toddler to stroke or gently hold the breast he is feeding from, while saying “soft touching, thank you”. When he reaches for or twiddles the other nipple, I remove his hand saying “ouch that hurts Mummy” or “ouch, touch softly, thank you”. We have found saying “thank you” reinforces my words as a directive, as opposed to “please” as a choice.

Some days he only needs reminding once, other days, when he is feeling ill or teething, many times at each feed. We borrowed some touch and feel books from the library and received two for his birthday. They have aided his understanding of soft and gentle, rough and ouchy. When playing we alternate between rough and tumble and quiet gentle play to help him relax and unwind before nap time and bedtime. This greatly reduced the “twiddling” initially.

You may like to read Mothering your Nursing Toddler by Norma Jane Bumgarner. Reading this helped me understand the changing dynamics of the mother-baby relationship when I was having difficulty with the balance of his needs and my own comfort. Contact your local LLL Group or library for a copy or purchase one directly from LLLNZ.

Breastfeeding manners as toddlers often comes up at LLL meetings, especially when a mother is feeling uncomfortable or undecided about her own comfort versus her child’s behaviour at the breast. I try to remind mothers about breastfeeding being a love language and this is one of the many opportunities to teach our beautiful little people we are growing about respect for others. Just as we respect their need to breastfeed for more than nutrition, they need to respect our body by being gentle with it. We wouldn’t fiddle with our child’s body parts so they were uncomfortable or in pain while they breastfed. When we gently, firmly set boundaries about how they can touch our bodies this lesson can then flow on to how to pat the cat, stroke a new sibling or a friend’s new baby. Hopefully, this respect for others becomes an admired quality in our children as they grow into adulthood.


Merewyn Groom, Lower Hutt – My daughter is 23 months and has recently started doing this too. I can’t stand it! I try not to uncover the other side so she doesn’t have too easy access and hopefully doesn’t notice it. She is old enough that I can try and explain that it hurts Mummy, and I also invite her to hold my hand which she likes to do.

If you lie down to nurse you can use the “uphill” side, in other words, if she is lying on your left then nurse from your right breast, this way you have to lean over a bit and she won’t be able to get at the lower one. When we were learning to nurse lying down this is actually how we started out and I still find it more comfortable.


Tineke Snow, Lower Hutt – I had this as Jackson got older.  The only things I found helped were to distract him: give him something to hold in the free hand, play games on the free hand like this little piggy or round and round the garden.


Claire Hargest-Slade, Timaru – Charles still does this. I tickle him under his arm so he pulls his hand away.  Also I’m not above tickling his nipple or “milky” as he calls it in a bit of tit for tat!


Janine Pinkham, Kaiapoi – Gosh, that takes me back. I can remember my boys getting twiddly with my nipples as they got older – or trying to; it is something I always found really annoying but somewhat mean about as I watched other mothers happily breastfeeding, braless and with their toddlers twiddling the free nipple. In short I didn’t let my children twiddle. I would hold their hands away from my other breast, usually holding firmer and firmer as the urge to find the non-latched nipple got stronger during a feed. Sometimes I used words like, “no” or “I don’t like it when you do that” or “don’t do that”. If it was too annoying I would stop the feed and cover myself up completely.

Since I usually wore a bra and covered up the non-latched nipple the opportunities for twiddling were limited to nighttimes or when wearing a bathing costume or some other unusual clothing. When my twins were toddlers they usually fed simultaneously so twiddling was not a problem. One of the lovely things about simultaneous feeding is the two children holding hands. They would “twiddle” each other’s hands too, twisting and intertwining fingers and stroking each other’s faces. Another thing that can be cuddly is gentle stroking with the hand that goes around the back of you. That can turn to pinching, which is not nice.

Breastfeeding a needs to be an enjoyable experience for the mother and the child. If you are not enjoying an aspect of breastfeeding it’s only natural to stop the annoying behaviour. Toddlers are so wonderfully huggable there are plenty of other times for skin to skin touching when you are with them during the day so they can still get all the touching they need.


Jessica Parsons, Auckland Central – It’s not nice to feel like you’re in armed combat with your child, and this is something to address now especially if you think that you may still have years of your breastfeeding relationship left.  Older babies develop lightning reflexes and tricky fingers to seek out spots to send you to the roof before you know the hand was in your clothes!   My youngest seems to play spider fingers on me just to keep herself amused, which can get very tickly.  I often have one hand in defensive coverup position, and often I still get very pushy little fingers.

I will play gentle handholding games and kissyfingers, or move the wandering hand to the breast she’s latched on (so it’s safe).  I also demonstrate to her with my hand what gentle touching does feel OK to me.  It sometimes works to stroke her softly on the cheek or arm, which distracts her from touching me.

With older children you can explain that it bothers you – my five year old knows that he has to have good manners and quiet hands or it’s “all done time.”   I always try to tell them what they may do instead of just saying “Don’t do that!”  Also, check to see if you are modelling quiet hands.  Since I don’t have to use my other hand for holding a little one, I notice that I am often finger-combing my hair or other fidgeting myself!


Elaine Winchester, Petone – This situation is one that others can learn from in advance.  The solution parallels what we do if a toddler keeps putting things in the wall socket (without a cover that is!) or what mothers do when one set of grandparents find displeasure at open nursing in their home, when it’s okay with the other set.

Babies are learning even before birth and can learn from our tone of voice (firm and friendly) and consistent actions.  Repeat in a kind voice “no more” or “no thanks” “uhuh” while removing the little hand. I found holding the hand or putting the clasp onto my finger helped – or another object.  It takes patience, just as when they start looking/pulling around when people enter the room whilst breastfeeding.

La Leche League Leaders can prepare a mother for this situation with older babies, as well as helping her decide what she’d be most comfortable calling breastfeeding, in preparation for the toddler calling it out in public!


Rose Davis, Waiheke Island – How mothers feel while breastfeeding is important too!

The baby will be fine without twiddling your nipple and your experience of this irritation while feeding could lead to you weaning earlier than if you set limits that preserve your comfort.
I would encourage you to look after yourself on this issue, and let your baby know that playing with your nipple doesn’t feel good to you.

Your baby’s needs are of vital importance, but mothers need to care for themselves too, not least of all so that they can carry on being wonderful mothers.


Robin Jones Greif, Blenheim – This can be super annoying and be really off putting for continuing breastfeeding. After a year of age, a baby can learn that some things are just not acceptable during breastfeeding. After all, you wouldn’t let your baby bite you just because they wanted to and nipple twiddling is in the same category. A gentle “no” and removing the hand will be enough for some babies to get it; others benefit from putting something small and soft in their hand as a replacement. If it happens towards the end of a feed, if saying no doesn’t work ending the feed while telling the baby why s/he’s finished can work too.

Some children can be very resistant to stopping this, but it’s better to parent to halt this unwelcome activity than to quit breastfeeding because you just can’t stand it!


Jenny Della Torre, Sydney – If the baby is drinking well from a cup and commenced weaning, the breastfeeding time could be cut shorter as the twiddling usually does not happen at the beginning of the feed, when the baby is hungry. The breast that the baby is not feeding from could be covered. Hold the baby’s hand and stroke it gently or give your baby a favourite soft toy or small object to hold. Keep a note of which time the twiddling tends to happen more often and offer other substitutes first or use distraction. Without refusing the nursing, just cut the feeding time shorter.

Continue ReadingTwiddling

Childfree Wedding Invite

  • Post category:Challenges
  • Reading time:13 mins read

“A good friend of mine has invited my husband and me to her wedding in a few months’ time. The invitation, however, is not extended to my 13 month old, from whom I have never been separated for more than an hour or two. My little boy is still nursing frequently and I am not at all happy about the thought of leaving him with anyone in order to attend the wedding.

I have tried to explain to my friend why I don’t want to leave my toddler but it was clear from her reaction that she didn’t understand – she appeared hurt and offended. I really do value our longstanding friendship but equally cannot contemplate separating from my toddler at this stage. What have other mothers done in similar situations?”

Responses

Janette Busch, Christchurch – Some mothers have coped with this situation by having a friend, relative or usual babysitter close by looking after the baby (in a car, at a playground, etc) and then this person contacts the mother if the child needs her. There are often quite large gaps between the ceremony and the reception that mum can visit with the child so the actual time away need not be very long.  Expect too that as long as the bride sees the mother at the ceremony and the reception at least once she will have no idea if the mother was away for a short time.


Verity Osborn, Christchurch – I have been in a similar situation with a good friend and her wedding. My little girl was 10 months old at the time and also a very frequent feeder.  My friend had been a very good friend to me over the years but had not had children and did not quite understand my need as a mum.  I met a compromise by attending the wedding with my parents in tow as my husband was a full time university student and could not assist because of exams.

I attended the ceremony while my little girl slept in the buggy and my parents took her for a walk in the surrounding suburbs and park.  I then fed her and spent some time with them before being dropped at the reception where I had a celebratory drink and some nibbles and went back to my parents who patiently waited nearby at the ready. I managed an hour or so at the reception before the wee one had just had her fill for the day.

My friend was happy to see me there and appreciated the effort I made. I felt I had made the effort for my friend and my little one was not compromised. Not the ultimate way to attend a wedding but it was the just the way it had to be at that time in my life. My parents were very obliging and realised the situation I was in and wanted to help for a few hours of one day.


Anita Edwards, Upper Hutt – For me there would have been two options and of course hindsight makes it really easy to say now!  My kids are now five and ten years old.  I am a long term breastfeeder and the five year old is still having a two minute suck at night (bar the odd night I am at a meeting).

I would have to think whether our friendship had a future, not just a past, she may understand once she has kids or she still may not.

I suffered long term post natal depression with both my children, so my early on experiences of not leaving them are somewhat skewed from that. I think that it would have been good for both me and my oldest (I got a bit more relaxed with my second child), if I had gone out occasionally and left him with people I trusted. With my PND the trouble was that I didn’t trust anyone (not even my husband!). Once, for my husband’s work function, we hired a room at the same hotel and my brother babysat for us, so I knew I could pop back easily if needed and not be missed from the event.

It’s a really tough call and if you do choose to leave your baby with someone, he won’t be damaged from the experience even if he cries for a bit and is upset, but find someone that you trust who will follow the timeframe you choose for how long to leave it till they contact you. And maybe have a few practise tries, it does get easier and the time apart from my kids always makes me appreciate them even more. Good luck with your decision, you aren’t alone in not wanting to leave your child.


Catherine Butler, Martinborough – This can be a tough one. So often, before we have children ourselves, we really don’t even begin to understand how important a part of our lives they can become, and how sometimes a seemingly independent toddler really still needs his Mum very close, to check in with for those regular feeds.

We’ve been to a few weddings with our now two year old. Fortunately she was invited and was able to be a part of the day quite happily and slept in my arms/her buggy for a lot of it, even sitting quietly at the top table for one. So if you do get the chance to broach the subject with your friend, try to find out why she doesn’t want your little one there. I know I was sort of anti-kids at my own wedding many years ago. I was afraid of having loads of screaming toddlers running round the place on my “special day”. Maybe you could reassure her of your little one’s behaviour if that is the case.

Another idea, if your friend is determined, is to have a relation or friend your little one knows well (or even your husband if there is nobody else you would feel happy leaving him with) mind him someplace nearby (e.g. hotel room) and you can go and meet them throughout the day to give him a little feed.  More recently we attended a wedding and my parents were able to come along and stay in the hotel (bit pricey, I know) and minded my little girl for the church part. We checked in with her throughout the day when she wanted to, and I nursed her to sleep in their hotel room that evening and went downstairs to continue dancing.

I appreciate this is a really difficult situation; you don’t want to offend a good friend, and yet leaving your son for a whole day-night would seem catastrophic to him. This would ideally be something your friend would come to understand, and you could come to an agreement with her as to how you could manage to attend the wedding and have your son with you (or nearby).

I really hope you can work it out. I’d also recommend wearing an outfit you can feed easily in eg, a two piece, or dress with loose top you can strategically drape a wrap or scarf over.


Alicia Poroa, Christchurch – It can be challenging when faced with the differing needs of those we care about. I experienced a similar situation with a cousins’ wedding and I did go along with my two littlies, but this was after I expressed that I could not leave the children with anyone and come to the wedding.  They decided they would rather have me at the wedding, than not and allowed the children to attend.  I expressed to my family my fear of leaving the children and the anxiety that I would face if I did leave them. I also acknowledged some of the concerns that my cousin could have regarding having the children attend.  An example of some concerns could be the cost of extra catering, children affecting the ambience of the wedding, that you may not enjoy yourself and the seating plans.

What you could do in regards to the probable concerns is assure your friend that you have thought these out and ways to overcome them. For example, having your wedding guest partner (assuming you are taking someone) take your wee one out for a walk or play when it gets too much, like during the ceremony. Or having a stroller or baby wearing sling or pack for settling and showing her that you are a talented breastfeeder who can feed inconspicuously at the best of times (if that’s a concern).

I think that if you give her a chance to think it over and acknowledge her fears, the situation will mend itself with time. It could be that she has so much to think about, the stress and overload is a barrier to making a decision that works for you all.  If this is an enduring friendship then you will get through it and still have your relationship. Another experience that I will share is that sometimes relationships change after having children as well. I hope you have a lovely time with your little one whatever the decision.


Joy Elliot, Upper Hutt – I see this as being similar to having to work. Try to take the emotion out of the situation and not be offended by your friend’s reaction by thinking about what options could work for both of you. This way you can respect your friend’s view and still love your toddler and yourself.

Maybe have a friend take your toddler to a park or fun place nearby and when they need feeding have your friend pop back with your son so you can feed him in a foyer or similar quiet place inside the wedding/reception venue. If it is at night this may be trickier. You may need to think about going to the wedding/reception and leaving early so everyone is happy. I hope you find a happy solution for all of you.


Rowena Harper, Hamilton – Gosh, what a terrible predicament. Although I can’t offer any advice from experience, perhaps you could tackle her wedding in two parts: the ceremony, where the odd squawk shouldn’t worry anyone (after all this is the bit that is theoretically open to the public in order to ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’) and the breakfast, with all the speeches, dinner and dancing.

Perhaps accept the invitation to the ceremony on behalf of you and your toddler (then you get to see the important teary bit), and decline the reception as you want to respect her wish to not have children attend.  You could also add to the reply that as much as you would love to attend, right now, circumstances dictate that you are not able to separate from your child. If she is adamant about having no children, she will accept your compromise.

Yes, she might not understand now, but good friends get over the bad times, and hopefully one day, she will be blessed with children too and might come to understand your decision.


Karen Silvers, Christchurch – I too have not wanted to be separated from my young children and found little support or empathy from others. This also applied to my desire to meet my children’s needs at night and to breastfeed them in general. One wonderful LLL Leader once told me that not wanting to leave my young children with anyone else was entirely natural – an expression of lactation aggression seen widely in the animal kingdom. What animal would leave their offspring until they can fend for themselves?

While it has been truly wondrous to watch my young children develop relationships with other adults, it never occurred to me that they should be left alone to do this until they were able to express their needs clearly. My children are both secure, strong and healthy, and I know that I’ll never regret putting them first at such an early stage of development.

My advice is to go back to your friend and tell her exactly how you are feeling and to say that it isn’t something you can really compromise on as it would go against your strong mother instinct. Acknowledge her wish to keep her wedding day child free but see if she is willing to work out a way for you to attend some or all of the celebration. Find out exactly why she is unwilling to invite children to the wedding. For instance, she might be worried that they will disrupt the service. If this is the case, you might decide not to attend or perhaps you could agree to take your toddler out if they get noisy. Other options include having someone to care for your toddler outside the ceremony venue or leaving them with family for the duration of the ceremony, and then either bringing them to the reception or returning home to them.
All the very best with this, and remember to stay true to yourself and your parenting journey.


Michelle Bennett, Christchurch – I can totally see both sides of this situation.  When I got married almost 3 years ago I asked my family and friends not to bring their children – my reasoning was that I had attended a wedding a few years ago where the children (niece & nephew of the bride) totally ran riot and diverted the attention of the guests away from the service.  My friends fortunately were fine with this.

I went to a wedding six weeks after my daughter was born and although my friends did not ask me to come without my daughter, I felt that it would be hypocritical to do so. My sister came along with me and my husband and I went into the church at the last minute and my sister just walked my daughter around in the pram.. We then went home before the reception and did her bed/feed routine and Mum minded her so we could go to the reception.

It is a difficult situation for you to be placed in but even if you did what I did and attended the service you can still see your friend get married even if you feel you can’t leave your son for the evening part of the proceedings. It is her special day as much as her decision may be hurtful for you.


Julie Moyle, Dunedin – I too faced a similar situation when invited to my own brother’s wedding. It breaks my heart to this day when I think about it.

I had to do what was right for my then baby and respectfully decline the invitation. This caused a lot of stress on our family dynamics with a major breakdown however I was simply not prepared to compromise the safety and security of our son. I pleaded for an allowance for our then eight month old, as did my parents but this fell on deaf ears.

If I was faced with the dilemma again. I would have no hesitation in making the very same decision, even with the same outcome. I am pleased to say the relationship has improved, and who knows, maybe because my brother now has children of his own?

Continue ReadingChildfree Wedding Invite

My Favorite Place

  • Post category:Sleep
  • Reading time:7 mins read

We were waiting for our food to be served at the restaurant and the children decided to pass the time with a game. One person had to guess a word chosen by the others, and the others had to give little hints.
“Mum’s favourite location” my youngest daughter said, ending the game on the first clue because everyone in my family knows the answer to that. My favourite place in the whole world is my bed. And like many mums (to the chagrin of many dads) my favourite thing to do there is to sleep. I dream of sleep, preferably in long unbroken stretches.

In retrospect, even in the years B.C. (before children) sleep and I have always had our issues. I  remember playing the game Trivial Pursuit, where one of the science questions was “How long does it take the average person to fall asleep?” It’s been years but I remember the answer because I was so shocked by it. In my pre-child existence, I always took a long time to fall asleep, about an hour. I’d run through all of the details of my day, think of alternate snappy answers to questions that I should have said, and review and rehearse upcoming interactions. But I knew that one hour was long for most people so I shaved my answer down to twenty minutes. The correct answer was seven. Seven minutes! To my childless self that was astounding.

Having children was a wakeup call for me to the womanly art of sleep management. No one knows sleep deprivation quite so intimately as the mother of an infant. No question that it’s rough in the early days.
Many a new mother makes the comment that they understand now why it’s used as a method of torture. Post-kids I could and did fall asleep in seconds. But I still could not rid myself of my love of sleeping and my addiction to large doses of it. I experienced withdrawal like a junkie, when my baby woke me up I was irritable and irrational.

Part of overcoming my addiction was education. Our culture – but not our babies – seems to view the eight hour uninterrupted sleep as a sacred right. Our babies are not designed that way, their little tummies need filling up and they have a need to check in and make sure we are close by.

I read some of Dr James McKenna’s work. He studies mother-baby sleep in his lab at Notre Dame University in the USA. His research quashes the myth of unbroken sleep. The truth is that all of us sleep in cycles that include deeper and shallower stages. Most of us do wake up in the night, but usually we go back to sleep without awareness of these wakeful periods.

Dr McKenna’s studies have shown how breastfeeding mothers and their babies who share sleep spaces develop a rhythm to their sleep patterns. Fighting this rhythm and trying to control it is what just about did me in as a mother.

Our nights would go like this:
• 11 pm; fall asleep with baby.
• It’s 1:34 and the baby is awake. Feed, change, make calculation about how much sleep I’d got…
• Jeez, it’s 3:32! More calculations. Not even two hours!
• Sheesh!! It’s 4:19!!! Mental calculator going again. Indulge in self pity for several sleep-wasting minutes. Have trouble falling back asleep because of resentment.
• For crying out loud, does that clock really say 5:22?!!!! Work self into a tizzy about how many wake ups I’d had. Try to decide if it’s worth it to even go back to sleep. On and on they went, these horrible nights,
and it was during the height of my misery that I knew I needed to do something. It was high time for some practical mother to mother support from some LLL mothers. They had some great suggestions which I’d like to share with you.

I wasn’t happy to take the advice of the sleep training set – though it seemed at the time that the world was divided into two groups, mothers who bragged that their babies slept through the night and people who advocated the cry it out method. What I needed to hear was that night time waking was normal and manageable – it just needed to be tweaked.

The best of the tweaks came from a mother who said, “You know, you could get rid of the clock in your room.” This was a stroke of genius. For me, a significant part of my night time waking issues was my own attitude about it and that clock wasn’t helping. Those nightly mathematical calculations were adding fuel to a fire that needed to be put out. Another mum gave me her tip, “Don’t change your baby’s nappy in the night. Most nappies these days are pretty absorbent and often last right through.” “If they don’t wake up fully,” another mum added, “they won’t poo.” I found that to be true for my babies also. All that changing just served to wake us both up further, so that I’d be trying to chill us both out from a full boil instead of keeping the flame low from the start. A midwife friend shared her tip of cutting two round holes in a sweatshirt to make access easier in the night also. And gradually my baby and I got unconsciously skilled at breastfeeding too, so that we could both do it almost without thinking about it, almost in our sleep.

When my second son was little, I overheard my husband bragging at what a good baby he was. “That child has slept through the night since the day he was born,” he said. Of course, this was completely untrue. The difference was that none of us was making a big deal about it; I’d developed the knack of breastfeeding in our semi-awake state. We all slept better. My bed stopped being a battleground and
sleep stopped being a contest I was determined to win.

My oldest child is 20 years old now, and I can’t count the number of unbroken nights of sleep I’ve had since his birth, and the birth of his siblings. For those of you beginning your motherhood journey, you probably don’t want to know that there haven’t been many. I am proud to say I am no longer keeping score. Though my bed still is my favourite place in the world, my children know that they are my
favourite people.

Co-Sleeping Safely
Make sure that your mattress is firm and fits tightly in the frame, avoid waterbeds, recliners, couches or armchairs.
Provide a smoke-free environment; exposure to cigarette smoke increases the baby’s risk of SIDS
Sheets should fit your mattress snugly.
Always place your baby on his back to sleep, including after breastfeeding.
No one who shares sleep with your baby should drink alcoholic beverages, take drugs, be exceptionally obese, be on medication that makes him or her less alert, or be too unwell or exhausted to be aware of the baby.
Consider keeping your young baby next to his mother only, because mothers seem to be especially aware of their babies in bed, keep an adult between any older child and your baby.
Make sure the sides of the bed are either tight against the wall or far enough away from the wall that your baby can’t become trapped. Or use a bed rail on the side of the adult bed.
Keep the bed low to the ground, maybe even on the floor, to minimise any falls.
Keep pets out of the bed the baby will be sleeping in.
Keep loose pillows or soft blankets away from your baby’s face, avoid nightclothes or hair ties with  strings or attachments that might pose a strangulation risk.
Avoid thick bedding and dressing the baby too warmly – close bodily contact increases body temperature.

Sources:
Good Nights by Jay Gordon, MD and Maria Goodavage, and Sweet Dreams by Paul Fleiss, MD, taken from LLL information sheet Safe Sleep, available from LLLNZ
“Sleeping with your baby” by James McKenna, New Beginnings 2009; 26(1): 4-9

Dr Alison Barrett is an obstetrician, who still gets up in the night for babies – they are just no longer her own.

 

Continue ReadingMy Favorite Place

Together Early and Often

  • Post category:Mothering
  • Reading time:4 mins read

Mother and baby need to be together early and often to establish a satisfying relationship and an adequate milk supply. Nadine has written about her mothering beliefs to give to her daughter, Elora when, in the years ahead, Elora first becomes pregnant.

Dear Elora,
I looked at you, I touched you, I smelt you. How perfect; what a miracle; you.

Babies need their mothers. Just as strongly mothers need their babies. I remember sending you off to the nursery for my well earned rest. What a complete joke! Every time a baby cried I would ask a passing nurse, ‘Is that mine?’ I lay wondering, ‘Is she alright?’ ‘Will they give me back the right baby?’ After an hour or so of lying wide awake and being totally uneasy I asked to have you back with me. Peace. I needed you – you were mine!

Bonding is a strange and amazing thing. For some women this happens instantly, for others it takes a while. But one obvious thing seems true – you can’t bond with something that isn’t there. The more time you spend with adult friends the better you know them – this is also true for mothers and babies.

We need to use all our senses to come to understand and care for each other. This relationship is like no other in its intensity, and is perhaps like no other with regard to the mental, emotional and physical health of both mother and baby.

Early contact for the baby reduces stress. The mother’s voice, skin to skin contact and warmth all calm the baby as does that first feed. And for the baby the sooner these things can happen the better – birth must be a fairly frightening experience.

Early contact for the mother reduces stress too. To be able to hold such a beautiful ‘prize’ after such a lot of work makes it all worthwhile. To see your baby studying you in that first hour as if to imprint you on their brain is like magic. That first feed releases hormones to calm you and to help deliver the placenta.

Over the next six weeks it is important to spend as much time together as possible so that your understanding of your baby’s needs are clearer to you. A young baby (presix weeks) needs at least eight feeds every 24 hours but frequently they require more. This six weeks is when your body learns to produce milk to satisfy your baby’s demands, you learn correct positioning and you establish your relationship with baby. It is at this time that a woman begins to understand that her body is truly remarkable in a new way. However hungry her baby is, if she puts it to the breast as often as requested her body just increases production of milk. And if the baby slows down its demand so the production slows. It is like a dance between a mother’s body and a baby’s.

Many women say that once they reach the six week mark both they and the baby settle down, understand each other and life seems less demanding. This six weeks is an important ‘season’. As with all things there will be good times and difficult ones during this time – but it passes, sometimes all too soon. Many countries treat this time as a special occasion and a relation or a professional moves into the house to care for the rest of the family and household so that these bonding weeks can be optimised. Mother and baby stay together 24 hours a day, sharing sleep and cuefeeding.

I believe this is something our society could learn from. An important thing I learnt and it took both you and Lucas to teach me was that there is no such thing as a manipulative baby. Many people in our society
believe that during this ‘bonding season’ we need to teach the baby who is boss and fit it into a schedule so it will not end up running the household. What I learnt was that there is no such thing as a spoilt baby, only a secure baby, who knows its every need will be attended to as soon as possible. I also learnt that babies’ wants are needs – there is no differentiation. Babies are designed to demand that their needs are satisfied otherwise the human race would have died out hundreds of years ago. It is common for people to suggest a mother takes time out from her newborn baby for her sake. I believe that if they truly understood this ‘season’ then, for her sake, they would give a mother time out from societal  commitments and housework instead.

‘Tis a season to enjoy,
Mum.

By Nadine Walmisley,Christchurch South
Originally printed in Aroha March/April 2003, Volume 5 Issue 2

Continue ReadingTogether Early and Often

Friendship Challenges

  • Post category:Mothering
  • Reading time:11 mins read

“My friend and I have babies only a few weeks apart. It was great supporting each other throughout our pregnancies but now it has changed as I am breastfeeding and she is not. I know she had a tough time so I am careful not to talk about breastfeeding too much in case it makes her feel bad, but it has still become a barrier between us.

It’s irrelevant to me how she feeds her baby – she is a wonderful, loving mother, but when she’s not telling me how “lucky” I am, she’s telling me how I should be introducing an evening bottle to my own baby to help her sleep better. Every conversation we have about our babies has become a minefield and it’s really getting to me. How have other mothers coped with this situation?”

Responses

Rose Davis, Waiheke Island – I have found that some friendships become difficult because of differences in approaches to parenting. I decided to spend more time with people whose parenting I feel comfortable with, because I enjoy their company more.

It seems like you might need to directly address the issue of breastfeeding vs bottle feeding with your friend, so that it doesn’t lurk beneath every conversation. I would suggest gently telling your friend that you think she’s a great mum, but you believe in breastfeeding and are able to breastfeed without any trouble, so you don’t plan to use bottles of formula.I think some mums who can’t/don’t breastfeed feel guilty and inadequate about it. They tend to keep raising the issue because they want to be reassured that they are still good mothers. Maybe being aware of this might help too.


Lisa Ross, Dunedin – I think I would respond with something like “we are two Mums on different journeys with our children and have to do what feels right for us and go with our maternal instincts. It doesn’t mean one of us is right and the other wrong.  It just means everyone is different with unique situations that they respond to in their own way.”


Raegan Dutch, Kelston Auckland – When I read this it makes me wonder if it could be a good idea for you, your friend and your babies to spend time together at the park or try an activity like playgroup.  This could make it easier to have conversations about the babies’ activities in a specific environment rather than talking about what they do or don’t do at other times in their day. When the discussion is focused on what is happening right in front of you it may help to avoid conversational “minefields”, allowing you to enjoy each other’s company and time with your babies.


Celia Perrott, Hawkes Bay – How mothers feed their babies does seem to be an emotionally charged subject at times, not helped much by media influences which often seem intent on driving a wedge between breastfeeding and bottle feeding mums.  We as La Leche League mothers usually feel very passionate about exclusive breastfeeding, but in the reality of our society, the line is not always clear cut; quite a few mums feed both breast and formula milk, and others may wean from breastmilk onto formula, or others wanted to breastfeed, but it didn’t end up that way.
I think I would tend to agree with your friend wherever possible e.g. if she says how lucky you are, you could acknowledge that you have been fortunate in that respect (even if you don’t necessarily feel that it has been all down to luck!) as sometimes mothers may have faced large obstacles, or a lack of support in breastfeeding. Some mums may also feel a sense of failure or huge disappointment if breastfeeding didn’t work out well, as breastfeeding is so strongly promoted as the ideal, so it’s important to tread carefully and not invoke a defensive reaction. Research shows that the vast majority of mothers do intend to breastfeed, but there are many many factors which may jeopardize this (but that’s a whole separate subject).

On the talk about giving a bottle at night, just say that you have decided to stick with breastmilk for now as it’s working out okay, and if her baby is sleeping long hours at night perhaps say something positive about that, so she feels affirmed in what she is doing too. In this parenting lark I think it’s all about supporting one another and avoiding sensitive and controversial issues, especially if a friendship is valuable.Even if a good friend makes quite different parenting decisions from us, we can all respect difference and still give an encouraging word.


Adith Stoneman, Kelston Auckland – When we become mothers, many of us find ourselves bombarded by well meaning, loving people that give us advice. Sometimes that advice is quite helpful for mothers, however, often it is not, it is undermining a mother’s ability to mother her own baby, it is disempowering her and that is always wrong.

No person knows the baby better then the mother. She is the one that spends the most time with the baby, getting to know the baby better every day.Parenting styles are as varied as “babies”, and we as mothers/parents need to find the style that suits us and our babies best.  Topics of feeding, sleeping, immunisation, returning to work etc are hotly debated issues by mothers/parents and the media. And maybe we need to just agree to disagree on these.

Many mothers find a network of support that has like-minded mothers/parents to help them on their parenting journey. I would encourage you to do just that. Find the women in your community that you can relate and talk to about issues of your parenting choice. If you have an opportunity to share issues with like-minded women, then you do not need to discuss this with your friend and tactfully you can avoid conversations about issues that you know you have different views on. We do not need to lose our friends because we have chosen a different way of parenting, though sadly we often do and I am sure that many mothers can relate to you.


Jill Allan, Melbourne – I didn’t experience this myself, having seen less and less of my antenatal group as they were moving in their own direction and I was taking the ‘LLL’ path.  On the rare occasions I heard about what I considered a less-than-optimal breastfeeding experience, post-natal depression, whatever, in the past, I felt the best thing to do for my friend, in the present, was to listen, and to agree.

Your friend wants more than listening and agreeing, I think. She knows that the weight of medical, social and societal opinion is approving of your choice, while your babies are less than six months of age. In one of Pinky McKay’s books she discusses what is called bottle-feeding mothers’ “guilt” because she feels that it is not guilt but grief.  This resonated with me, as having been on the receiving end of some deeply-felt tirades, the vehemence expressed by those mothers did seem more like a side effect of grief, rather than guilt.  In my own experience, guilt doesn’t make me feel threatened or annoyed enough to attack other people, it’s just a faint sort of pang in my conscience which makes me want to apologise and do things differently next time; whereas grief is an actual pain.

Your friend seeks validation from you, as she “knows” she has “failed” and so unconsciously wants someone else to follow her methods so that she is not alone in her failure. It’s very tricky.   If you say “yes, a nighttime bottle is a good idea,” then your friend will expect you to use one.  Saying “I’m happy with the amount that my baby is sleeping right now,” could be seen as re-asserting the superiority of breastfeeding, which is already an open wound for your friend.  “I can see that it works really well for you” is also slightly divisive so all I can think of is a change of subject – “Your baby is looking so well, s/he must have grown/be developing/learnt lots of new things.” Developmental steps forward, which babies make almost every day at this stage, are a good source of conversation. And then… some non-baby conversation! Take the babies out, visit a café, get some fresh air, walk through a shopping mall …

The weight of societal disapproval felt by your friend will ease as the two babies pass the age of six months. In my personal experience; which is outdated, but I am sure vestiges of this attitude remain – breastfeeding a six-month-old baby is a Very Good Thing, and breastfeeding a baby over the age of one is, for society at large, an equally Bad Thing.

As your friendsenses less general disapproval for her use of a bottle, and consequently feels more confident in the general ‘rightness’ of her mothering, you may gradually come to feel disapproval from others for continuing to do the thing that gained their complete approval less than twelve months ago.The same disapproval that your friend felt for not breastfeeding a small baby could swing round and attack you, for breastfeeding a toddler. And this may cause a shift in the friendship, making it even more difficult to sustain. “You should try a bottle” conversations could be replaced by conversations which begin “when are you going to wean?”

There will be more situations that test the strength of the part of your friendship that is not about babies.  In my opinion, developing the non-baby areas the two of you have in common will see you through this and other differences. I am willing to bet that your opinions on the best time to toilet train are not going to be the same….


Robin Jones Greif, Blenheim – This can be a difficult situation, but it’s important to remember it may only be the first of many as your baby grows and your parenting choices increase. There are several approaches you could take, from emphasising the positive way you see your friend interacting with her baby to tackling the situation head on. If you are able to, a frank conversation may be helpful for both of you. You could tell her you can see how much your breastfeeding seems to upset her and you are sorry about this. She needs to know that her comments are damaging the friendship and this makes you sad.  Mothering is not a competitive sport and focussing on all the many things you have in common is the only way you can move forward.

Please realise that your friend is grieving for the loss of the breastfeeding relationship she had dreamed of having before her baby was born and is taking this out on you by trying to undermine your breastfeeding experience. She may not even realise this is happening and may not appreciate how it is impacting on the friendship you shared. Hopefully this will get better with time as she realises that there are other ways to show that she is a ‘good’ mother. It would be great if, by the time she has her next baby, she can approach this as a new chance to breastfeed.


Janet Wilson, Papakura – I was in a similar situation. It became more and more difficult, and because both children were ‘firsts’ there were many situations (coffee groups were the worst) where comparisons were made about everything to do with our babies. I found that LLL became a great place to reaffirm my faith in breastfeeding and talk to my heart’s content about all things breastfeeding!

Gradually I made friends that were in the same parenting sphere. I planned my outings with other friends, and made sure I was feeling confident about my choices. It also helped to NOT get into discussions – not easy, but things like meeting at the pool, walking, and doing activities left less time for the minefield compared with sitting down and chatting.

Continue ReadingFriendship Challenges