Challenges - La Leche League New Zealand

Twiddling

Post category:Challenges
Reading time:11 mins read

“As my baby gets bigger (more than a year), I feel like I’m constantly pushing her hands away from “twiddling” my other nipple. I know it is a natural instinct to massage and rub to help with letdown, but she is much stronger now and my nipples are sensitive – it just doesn’t feel good. But I feel a bit sad that I’m refusing her efforts to touch. How do other mothers handle this?”

Responses

Clare Lyell, North Canterbury – Try wearing clothes that cover your other breast, then a necklace with big chunky beads, or a pendant that she can play with while nursing. Worked for my first and second.

Karen Swan, Canberra – My 14 month old is crazy for it! He seems to only do it when we lie down to feed before naps or, as we co-sleep, during night feeds. If I wear a nightdress/top that also exposes my other breast, he’ll be all over me, so I tend to wear something like a sleeping crop top. If he can’t see it, he tends to keep hands off or just concentrate on the fleshier part of my breast, which I can handle! Other than that, the only success I’ve had is to cover my nipple with my thumb or finger – it fools him sometimes!

It would seem the more I take his hands away, the more intent he becomes. Downside? Now he pinches me instead! I know how strange it feels; I figure he’ll grow out of it like everything else!

I hope I’ve been of some help (as LLL is to me!)

Friederike André, Thames – I could not stand the touch at the other breast, and so I held my baby’s hand to stop him from doing it. He stopped trying after what seemed to me many months and would still keep trying on and off later. I kept telling him it hurt and once he understood that, it was okay. But that really was a long time later.

Jenny Coles, Lower Hutt – Hello, I understand the feeling of being torn between meeting the emotional and physical needs of your daughter and your own comfort. Touch is a natural part of breastfeeding and parenting.

We encourage our toddler to stroke or gently hold the breast he is feeding from, while saying “soft touching, thank you”. When he reaches for or twiddles the other nipple, I remove his hand saying “ouch that hurts Mummy” or “ouch, touch softly, thank you”. We have found saying “thank you” reinforces my words as a directive, as opposed to “please” as a choice.

Some days he only needs reminding once, other days, when he is feeling ill or teething, many times at each feed. We borrowed some touch and feel books from the library and received two for his birthday. They have aided his understanding of soft and gentle, rough and ouchy. When playing we alternate between rough and tumble and quiet gentle play to help him relax and unwind before nap time and bedtime. This greatly reduced the “twiddling” initially.

You may like to read Mothering your Nursing Toddler by Norma Jane Bumgarner. Reading this helped me understand the changing dynamics of the mother-baby relationship when I was having difficulty with the balance of his needs and my own comfort. Contact your local LLL Group or library for a copy or purchase one directly from LLLNZ.

Breastfeeding manners as toddlers often comes up at LLL meetings, especially when a mother is feeling uncomfortable or undecided about her own comfort versus her child’s behaviour at the breast. I try to remind mothers about breastfeeding being a love language and this is one of the many opportunities to teach our beautiful little people we are growing about respect for others. Just as we respect their need to breastfeed for more than nutrition, they need to respect our body by being gentle with it. We wouldn’t fiddle with our child’s body parts so they were uncomfortable or in pain while they breastfed. When we gently, firmly set boundaries about how they can touch our bodies this lesson can then flow on to how to pat the cat, stroke a new sibling or a friend’s new baby. Hopefully, this respect for others becomes an admired quality in our children as they grow into adulthood.

Merewyn Groom, Lower Hutt – My daughter is 23 months and has recently started doing this too. I can’t stand it! I try not to uncover the other side so she doesn’t have too easy access and hopefully doesn’t notice it. She is old enough that I can try and explain that it hurts Mummy, and I also invite her to hold my hand which she likes to do.

If you lie down to nurse you can use the “uphill” side, in other words, if she is lying on your left then nurse from your right breast, this way you have to lean over a bit and she won’t be able to get at the lower one. When we were learning to nurse lying down this is actually how we started out and I still find it more comfortable.

Tineke Snow, Lower Hutt – I had this as Jackson got older. The only things I found helped were to distract him: give him something to hold in the free hand, play games on the free hand like this little piggy or round and round the garden.

Claire Hargest-Slade, Timaru – Charles still does this. I tickle him under his arm so he pulls his hand away. Also I’m not above tickling his nipple or “milky” as he calls it in a bit of tit for tat!

Janine Pinkham, Kaiapoi – Gosh, that takes me back. I can remember my boys getting twiddly with my nipples as they got older – or trying to; it is something I always found really annoying but somewhat mean about as I watched other mothers happily breastfeeding, braless and with their toddlers twiddling the free nipple. In short I didn’t let my children twiddle. I would hold their hands away from my other breast, usually holding firmer and firmer as the urge to find the non-latched nipple got stronger during a feed. Sometimes I used words like, “no” or “I don’t like it when you do that” or “don’t do that”. If it was too annoying I would stop the feed and cover myself up completely.

Since I usually wore a bra and covered up the non-latched nipple the opportunities for twiddling were limited to nighttimes or when wearing a bathing costume or some other unusual clothing. When my twins were toddlers they usually fed simultaneously so twiddling was not a problem. One of the lovely things about simultaneous feeding is the two children holding hands. They would “twiddle” each other’s hands too, twisting and intertwining fingers and stroking each other’s faces. Another thing that can be cuddly is gentle stroking with the hand that goes around the back of you. That can turn to pinching, which is not nice.

Breastfeeding a needs to be an enjoyable experience for the mother and the child. If you are not enjoying an aspect of breastfeeding it’s only natural to stop the annoying behaviour. Toddlers are so wonderfully huggable there are plenty of other times for skin to skin touching when you are with them during the day so they can still get all the touching they need.

Jessica Parsons, Auckland Central – It’s not nice to feel like you’re in armed combat with your child, and this is something to address now especially if you think that you may still have years of your breastfeeding relationship left. Older babies develop lightning reflexes and tricky fingers to seek out spots to send you to the roof before you know the hand was in your clothes! My youngest seems to play spider fingers on me just to keep herself amused, which can get very tickly. I often have one hand in defensive coverup position, and often I still get very pushy little fingers.

I will play gentle handholding games and kissyfingers, or move the wandering hand to the breast she’s latched on (so it’s safe). I also demonstrate to her with my hand what gentle touching does feel OK to me. It sometimes works to stroke her softly on the cheek or arm, which distracts her from touching me.

With older children you can explain that it bothers you – my five year old knows that he has to have good manners and quiet hands or it’s “all done time.” I always try to tell them what they may do instead of just saying “Don’t do that!” Also, check to see if you are modelling quiet hands. Since I don’t have to use my other hand for holding a little one, I notice that I am often finger-combing my hair or other fidgeting myself!

Elaine Winchester, Petone – This situation is one that others can learn from in advance. The solution parallels what we do if a toddler keeps putting things in the wall socket (without a cover that is!) or what mothers do when one set of grandparents find displeasure at open nursing in their home, when it’s okay with the other set.

Babies are learning even before birth and can learn from our tone of voice (firm and friendly) and consistent actions. Repeat in a kind voice “no more” or “no thanks” “uhuh” while removing the little hand. I found holding the hand or putting the clasp onto my finger helped – or another object. It takes patience, just as when they start looking/pulling around when people enter the room whilst breastfeeding.

La Leche League Leaders can prepare a mother for this situation with older babies, as well as helping her decide what she’d be most comfortable calling breastfeeding, in preparation for the toddler calling it out in public!

Rose Davis, Waiheke Island – How mothers feel while breastfeeding is important too!

The baby will be fine without twiddling your nipple and your experience of this irritation while feeding could lead to you weaning earlier than if you set limits that preserve your comfort.
I would encourage you to look after yourself on this issue, and let your baby know that playing with your nipple doesn’t feel good to you.

Your baby’s needs are of vital importance, but mothers need to care for themselves too, not least of all so that they can carry on being wonderful mothers.

Robin Jones Greif, Blenheim – This can be super annoying and be really off putting for continuing breastfeeding. After a year of age, a baby can learn that some things are just not acceptable during breastfeeding. After all, you wouldn’t let your baby bite you just because they wanted to and nipple twiddling is in the same category. A gentle “no” and removing the hand will be enough for some babies to get it; others benefit from putting something small and soft in their hand as a replacement. If it happens towards the end of a feed, if saying no doesn’t work ending the feed while telling the baby why s/he’s finished can work too.

Some children can be very resistant to stopping this, but it’s better to parent to halt this unwelcome activity than to quit breastfeeding because you just can’t stand it!

Jenny Della Torre, Sydney – If the baby is drinking well from a cup and commenced weaning, the breastfeeding time could be cut shorter as the twiddling usually does not happen at the beginning of the feed, when the baby is hungry. The breast that the baby is not feeding from could be covered. Hold the baby’s hand and stroke it gently or give your baby a favourite soft toy or small object to hold. Keep a note of which time the twiddling tends to happen more often and offer other substitutes first or use distraction. Without refusing the nursing, just cut the feeding time shorter.

Sudden Weaning

Post category:Challenges
Reading time:4 mins read

On July 26th this year, the day my little girl Jessica turned 11 months, she awoke with a bad cold. She refused her morning breastfeed and later in the morning after one small nursing began refusing every time I offered her the breast. I was surprised, as up until that day, she had breastfed happily several times a day and often once or twice during the night as well.

By that night I knew something was wrong as she was unhappy and crying a lot and I suspected an ear infection. I was expressing milk and offered her that in a cup. She was otherwise drinking water
happily from her cup and still eating. The next morning I took her to our doctor who confirmed an ear infection and like me was confident that she’d start breastfeeding again once her ear healed up and she wasn’t in pain. He also felt that a blocked nose wouldn’t be helping although she’d had colds before that had hadn’t affected her feeding.

A month later, in August, Jessica celebrated her first birthday and, no, she hadn’t returned to breastfeeding. What started as a nursing strike turned out to be a sudden weaning.

For the first week I expressed milk regularly
and fed her that in a cup as well as offering
her the breast. Every time she would pull
away and cry. After a while she would just
look at it, then look at me as if to say, “What
exactly are you trying to do here Mum?”
I was in contact with my La Leche League
Leader right through this time and also
spoke to a lactation consultant. Both
suggested that I calmly offer the breast to
Jessica, perhaps while she was drowsy, or
in the bath, but never to force it on her. I
tried everything but my very independent
little girl was not to be fooled.
My feeling is that the pain of feeding with an
ear infection was the first step for her to wean
and that she just decided within herself that
she no longer wanted to breastfeed. I
breastfed her older brother until he was ready
to wean (three and a half years) and intended
doing the same for Jessica so this sudden
change of plans, initiated totally by her, came
as a big surprise.
As the weeks have gone by I have recovered
from my initial disappointment and shock at
her weaning. There have been a lot of
changes for us both. My milk supply took two
to three weeks to reduce to a level whereby I
didn’t have to express at all. Jessica stopped
waking in the night from the day she stopped
feeding (a bonus for us all). She is not
particularly keen on drinking any milk but will
drink a little bit of goats’ milk formula in a cup
with breakfast and before bed (she’s had
reflux and doesn’t tolerate dairy very well). She eats well and drinks lots of water during
the day. We have had to find other ways to
be close too, including more cuddling, carrying (I have a backpack that gets a good
workout every day), playing and reading
together.
It was quite stressful when Jessica weaned
so suddenly and there have been lots of
adjustments for us both. There are many
people who think I’m lucky as I didn’t have to
wean her but I’m always quick to say that I
had no intention of weaning her, not in the
commonlyaccepted way anyway. I’m
learning very quickly that no two
babies/children are alike. Already mothering
my two children as been very different for
each and I expect I have so much more to
learn.

LeeAnn Michelle, Balclutha Group
Aroha November/December 2004

Fully Breastfeeding Amber after Latching-On Problems

Post category:Challenges
Reading time:8 mins read

Amber was born on New Years Eve 2001, at home, in the water under a
beautiful, fullmoon sky. Everything went as planned and Amber had her first
breastfeed half an hour after birth. Amber and I bonded instantly and I knew
that I wanted to breastfeed her as it was best for her health. It’s natural and
comforting and what better way to show my baby how much I love her.
I had read breastfeeding books and talked to my midwife, Heather, about
feeding and thought that I was prepared. The first few days Amber fed quite
well and I was starting to get the hang of it, Heather had explained to me that
breastfeeding is a skill that has to be learned and that Amber and I were
teaching each other.
Around day three, things started to go wrong and I couldn’t latch Amber on
properly, so my nipples were being grazed. The next day, when Heather came
to see us she told me to make absolutely sure that Amber’s mouth was
opening wide and to make sure she was getting enough breast in her mouth.
She also said that if it hurt me, to take Amber off and try again, (and again and
again…) until it didn’t hurt and felt comfortable. I found that every time
Heather was present Amber would latch on well and we had really good
feeds, but I couldn’t get it right all the time and it was when Heather wasn’t
there that I was having real problems.
After about a week my nipples were sore and a bit damaged though no worse.
In week or two everything went down hill really fast. My nipples got badly
damaged and Amber wanted to feed all the time with only an hour or so rest in
between. When Amber latched on, it hurt so badly that I would get a very
intense pain right up my arm and into my elbow and shoulder. My toes would
curl up and tears usually followed. My letdown was being affected because I was so tense and I could never
relax due to the pain, which then led to supply worries. I was getting very
distressed so I rang Heather again and she came to see us. She was really
surprised how in a matter of 48 hours my nipples could get so damaged. They
went from moderate damage to extreme damage almost over night, (although
it felt a lot longer than that at the time). We decided, after much deliberation, to use nipple shields for a while to
protect my nipples from further damage and to hopefully give them a chance
to heal. Heather told me to let the shields do their job then throw them away
before I got too dependant on them, because long term use can effect supply.
The shields were lifesavers, it still hurt when the nipple got sucked through the
shield but it helped Amber and I get it right.
The next step was to get my supply back up so we got some lactogogue tea,
lots of food, snacks, water, rest and breastfeeding. It was working. We were
getting there, life was a little better and the tears were less. Amber was not
gaining as much weight as we would have liked, but we had sorted out some
major problems and were confident that great progress had been made. We
were on the way up and Amber was a happy alert baby.
Then other members of the family became concerned about Amber’s weight.
They said that she needed formula, that I should get my milk tested (because
it was not good enough), and because my sister couldn’t breastfeed maybe I
couldn’t either, and that Amber would get Cystic Fibrosis etc, etc. The last
straw was when they told us that since Amber could not speak they would
have to be her voice. This really hurt and upset us, and all the great progress
we had made recently went straight down the toilet. I started feeling really
guilty, that I wasn’t a very good mother, and that I had failed. The emotional
pressure was huge so back came the tears and a small dose of depression
just to top it all off as out came the formula.
Knowing how determined I was to breastfeed Amber, Heather expressed her
concerns about the fact, that, if I gave up now after all the hard work that I
might regret it later. I totally agreed. We started supplementing Amber with
two bottles a day. It was very hard to do. I thought that once I started that
would be it and the formula would take over. I was determined not to let this
happen. Heather told me to make sure to express when Amber had formula
and feed this to her as well to get some good weight gains. Family pressure
was still major, so it was suggested that we go to see a paediatrician to get
Amber checked. Heather and I knew Amber was fine but we agreed a
checkup might help put all our minds at rest.
I was dreading going to the paediatrician and thought he was going to tell me
to give up breastfeeding altogether, (actually it was quite the contrary). I
explained everything to him and then he checked Amber. He said she was
fine and gave me a few things to look out for. He was very pro breastfeeding
and told me to keep doing as I was and to drop the formula when I was
comfortable. He told me to feed Amber on demand, which was what I was
doing anyway. He also said to try not to listen to what other people think is
right for Amber and he was more than happy to talk to family about their
concerns. I felt like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders and, more
so, my mind.
Life was still pretty hard and there was so much pressure and stress in getting
my nipples healed, supply up and feeding going properly. Michelle, my
student midwife, suggested La Leche League and got Debbie’s number for
me. I rang Debbie and explained everything to her and she gave lots of help,
information, encouragement and support. Debbie suggested switch nursing
for a couple of days to help give my supply a real boost. It really worked and
Amber was doing better with lots more dirty nappies. My nipples were now
healed and it was time to get rid of the shields. It was scary but I knew it was
time. I started feeding every second feed without the shield, as my nipples
were still a little sore. After a few days I became more confident and gave the
shields back to Heather. It was a great day. My milk supply then picked right
up and can you believe it I was even leaking!
Heather visited an extra week to make sure our girl was still having weight
gains, lots of wet and dirty nappies and to make sure I was a happy mum. The
last visit was sad because Heather had become my friend and her support
was just amazing. Her last written words in our birth story were:
“Your strength and determination to do what you believe is right for Amber is
amazing, you have a beautiful, healthy daughter, enjoy every moment of what
you have worked so hard to achieve. Arohanui, Heather.”
At 11 weeks out went the formula and Amber was a happy, healthy, fully
breastfed baby. We had made it. It was the most rewarding goal I had ever
achieved and I am so proud that I stuck to my beliefs. I went to my first La
Leche League Meeting when Amber was four months old and couldn’t believe
the amount of support I got from other mothers and a great bunch of Leaders.
I have made some new friends and I am enjoying going to meetings and
hopefully helping someone else feel supported.
Sometimes I feel sad when I think about the first few weeks but actually
writing my story has helped a lot and made me feel proud that I didn’t give up.
I want to say a huge thanks to: Heather for all her help, love, support,
friendship, extra visits and phone calls; Debbie for all her help over the past
two years and for introducing me to LLL; and my husband who stood right by
my side every step of the way. Thank you so much.
I have learnt a great deal over the past two years and now have the
knowledge to look forward to breastfeeding again early in 2004. I now know
where to go for support. I can only remind myself that the negative things
have turned positive through being introduced to LLL.

Leanne Kennedy, Cambridge
Aroha September/October 2004

Coping with a Prem Baby

Post category:Challenges
Reading time:6 mins read

I would like to share my experience so that it may help anyone out there who has been told that you cannot breastfeed a premature baby.

I had six weeks to go and I was enjoying myself at a Warrior’s game at Ericsson Stadium. Half way through the game the pain in my back started. My thoughts were that the baby must be sitting in a funny position, causing me discomfort and I tried to ignore it. At 11pm the same night I thought maybe there was more to it and rang my backup midwife as my midwife was on holiday at the time. The next morning I met the midwife in hospital and yes, unfortunately, I was in labour. Things slowly, very slowly, progressed. The doctor at the hospital did not see any reason to stop the labour, as the baby was a good size.

Forty-one hours later my beautiful baby boy, Antony, was born at six pounds six ounces (2.89kg); a good size for a prem baby. I got to hold him for about 30 seconds before he was taken away for testing. I kept saying I wanted to put him straight on the breast but this just fell on deaf ears. He was taken to SCBU (Special Care Baby Unit) and put in an incubator just as a precaution. I was told he was very healthy.

The next day was when things became emotionally exhausting for me. I was expressing every three hours to try to bring on my milk. Being so early my body was not yet ready for this. Antony came out of his incubator and went into a cot.
He had a tube up his nose going down to his tummy to feed him, to my horror, formula. I was getting a little bit of colostrum but not enough to feed him completely so he was topped up with formula.

I spent all day and night with him until I had to sleep. That was the hardest time.
Everyone around me in the room had a baby and I felt, after a not so normal birth experience, that I had nothing to show for it. A lot of tears were shed over this week. I’ll never forget crying in bed one night when a nurse came along and asked me if I was OK. I said, “No.” and she asked me if I would like a Panadol. You can imagine what went through my mind. There really should be a separate ward for mums with prem babies.

On day four my milk came through, to my delight. Breastfeeding had always been the only option in my mind. It’s funny, I always thought, you put the baby to your breast, they latch on and hey presto, baby feeding. Boy was I wrong. The nurses at Middlemore Neonatal Unit were a great help. It’s just that they each had their own style. One would say, “Do it this way.” You would try that, then on the next shift the nurse would say, “Not like that, try this way,” and I really didn’t need anymore confusion at this time. Luckily I am a strong person and I put my foot down and said, “This way feels right and this is the way I am going to pursue”. One night I was upset because I had a nurse who didn’t have many patients and insisted on tube feeding my baby. I felt he was not going to learn if he was given the easy way out all the time.

Finally my original midwife (Lesley) came back from holiday and things took a turn for the better. I could not praise her enough. She suggested that to help Antony with latching on I first express to soften the breast, because I was expressing so often I was over producing milk and my breasts were quite firm. She also suggested using a nipple shield to help with latching on. To my relief this worked; not fully, but enough to take the tube out of his nose and allow him to be topped up using a cup. I could see the looks on some of the nurses’ faces but I didn’t care. Day six ended my stay at Middlemore, which had really felt like a prison sentence, and I was transferred to Botany Downs Maternity Unit. Then things got so much easier and better. I think I relaxed more knowing there was no longer the option of a tube being put down Antony’s throat. The charge nurse was excellent and worked well with Lesley, together making things happen.

By about day nine Antony was fully breastfeeding without the nipple shield. I was so proud. Each feed took about one and a half hours and I had to feed every three hours so it was exhausting but definitely worth it.

There were mothers in there that I spoke to who gave up trying after two days with a full term baby, saying it was too hard or that it hurt. Each to their own but I do feel that people give up too easily.

In my mind from the time I fell pregnant the only option was to breastfeed. As a child I was not breastfed due to my mother having a bad experience with my older sister. Today I suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and wonder if this is due to formula. So you can see why I was going to take every precaution possible to avoid this happening to Antony.

I successfully fed him until he was 15 months old and I am now pregnant with number two, due in October. I’m hoping to go full term but this time I will be much stronger and wiser with my opinion.

So to anyone out there with a prem baby I would like to say don’t give up. It’s never too late to start breastfeeding even if it takes a week or two for your baby and you to learn to latch on. If I can be of any help please don’t hesitate to contact me through LLLNZ.

Lastly I would like to thank La Leche League for all their support. To be honest my antenatal classes put me off ever contacting LLL and made LLL women out to be a bunch of alternative hippies that breastfed until their babies were ten. This ignorance needs to change. A friend from my coffee group convinced me to go one day, which took a lot, as I was not confident about feeding in public.

The women in the LLL Group all made me feel so welcome and comfortable, with great helping hints for breastfeeding. Learning to feed in bed was the best thing.
So thank you La Leche League, for all your support.

I hope my story helps anyone out there coping with a premmie and I wish you all luck.

Tania Cross, Howick, Auckland
ArohaMay/June 2004

Childfree Wedding Invite

Post category:Challenges
Reading time:13 mins read

“A good friend of mine has invited my husband and me to her wedding in a few months’ time. The invitation, however, is not extended to my 13 month old, from whom I have never been separated for more than an hour or two. My little boy is still nursing frequently and I am not at all happy about the thought of leaving him with anyone in order to attend the wedding.

I have tried to explain to my friend why I don’t want to leave my toddler but it was clear from her reaction that she didn’t understand – she appeared hurt and offended. I really do value our longstanding friendship but equally cannot contemplate separating from my toddler at this stage. What have other mothers done in similar situations?”

Responses

Janette Busch, Christchurch – Some mothers have coped with this situation by having a friend, relative or usual babysitter close by looking after the baby (in a car, at a playground, etc) and then this person contacts the mother if the child needs her. There are often quite large gaps between the ceremony and the reception that mum can visit with the child so the actual time away need not be very long. Expect too that as long as the bride sees the mother at the ceremony and the reception at least once she will have no idea if the mother was away for a short time.

Verity Osborn, Christchurch – I have been in a similar situation with a good friend and her wedding. My little girl was 10 months old at the time and also a very frequent feeder. My friend had been a very good friend to me over the years but had not had children and did not quite understand my need as a mum. I met a compromise by attending the wedding with my parents in tow as my husband was a full time university student and could not assist because of exams.

I attended the ceremony while my little girl slept in the buggy and my parents took her for a walk in the surrounding suburbs and park. I then fed her and spent some time with them before being dropped at the reception where I had a celebratory drink and some nibbles and went back to my parents who patiently waited nearby at the ready. I managed an hour or so at the reception before the wee one had just had her fill for the day.

My friend was happy to see me there and appreciated the effort I made. I felt I had made the effort for my friend and my little one was not compromised. Not the ultimate way to attend a wedding but it was the just the way it had to be at that time in my life. My parents were very obliging and realised the situation I was in and wanted to help for a few hours of one day.

Anita Edwards, Upper Hutt – For me there would have been two options and of course hindsight makes it really easy to say now! My kids are now five and ten years old. I am a long term breastfeeder and the five year old is still having a two minute suck at night (bar the odd night I am at a meeting).

I would have to think whether our friendship had a future, not just a past, she may understand once she has kids or she still may not.

I suffered long term post natal depression with both my children, so my early on experiences of not leaving them are somewhat skewed from that. I think that it would have been good for both me and my oldest (I got a bit more relaxed with my second child), if I had gone out occasionally and left him with people I trusted. With my PND the trouble was that I didn’t trust anyone (not even my husband!). Once, for my husband’s work function, we hired a room at the same hotel and my brother babysat for us, so I knew I could pop back easily if needed and not be missed from the event.

It’s a really tough call and if you do choose to leave your baby with someone, he won’t be damaged from the experience even if he cries for a bit and is upset, but find someone that you trust who will follow the timeframe you choose for how long to leave it till they contact you. And maybe have a few practise tries, it does get easier and the time apart from my kids always makes me appreciate them even more. Good luck with your decision, you aren’t alone in not wanting to leave your child.

Catherine Butler, Martinborough – This can be a tough one. So often, before we have children ourselves, we really don’t even begin to understand how important a part of our lives they can become, and how sometimes a seemingly independent toddler really still needs his Mum very close, to check in with for those regular feeds.

We’ve been to a few weddings with our now two year old. Fortunately she was invited and was able to be a part of the day quite happily and slept in my arms/her buggy for a lot of it, even sitting quietly at the top table for one. So if you do get the chance to broach the subject with your friend, try to find out why she doesn’t want your little one there. I know I was sort of anti-kids at my own wedding many years ago. I was afraid of having loads of screaming toddlers running round the place on my “special day”. Maybe you could reassure her of your little one’s behaviour if that is the case.

Another idea, if your friend is determined, is to have a relation or friend your little one knows well (or even your husband if there is nobody else you would feel happy leaving him with) mind him someplace nearby (e.g. hotel room) and you can go and meet them throughout the day to give him a little feed. More recently we attended a wedding and my parents were able to come along and stay in the hotel (bit pricey, I know) and minded my little girl for the church part. We checked in with her throughout the day when she wanted to, and I nursed her to sleep in their hotel room that evening and went downstairs to continue dancing.

I appreciate this is a really difficult situation; you don’t want to offend a good friend, and yet leaving your son for a whole day-night would seem catastrophic to him. This would ideally be something your friend would come to understand, and you could come to an agreement with her as to how you could manage to attend the wedding and have your son with you (or nearby).

I really hope you can work it out. I’d also recommend wearing an outfit you can feed easily in eg, a two piece, or dress with loose top you can strategically drape a wrap or scarf over.

Alicia Poroa, Christchurch – It can be challenging when faced with the differing needs of those we care about. I experienced a similar situation with a cousins’ wedding and I did go along with my two littlies, but this was after I expressed that I could not leave the children with anyone and come to the wedding. They decided they would rather have me at the wedding, than not and allowed the children to attend. I expressed to my family my fear of leaving the children and the anxiety that I would face if I did leave them. I also acknowledged some of the concerns that my cousin could have regarding having the children attend. An example of some concerns could be the cost of extra catering, children affecting the ambience of the wedding, that you may not enjoy yourself and the seating plans.

What you could do in regards to the probable concerns is assure your friend that you have thought these out and ways to overcome them. For example, having your wedding guest partner (assuming you are taking someone) take your wee one out for a walk or play when it gets too much, like during the ceremony. Or having a stroller or baby wearing sling or pack for settling and showing her that you are a talented breastfeeder who can feed inconspicuously at the best of times (if that’s a concern).

I think that if you give her a chance to think it over and acknowledge her fears, the situation will mend itself with time. It could be that she has so much to think about, the stress and overload is a barrier to making a decision that works for you all. If this is an enduring friendship then you will get through it and still have your relationship. Another experience that I will share is that sometimes relationships change after having children as well. I hope you have a lovely time with your little one whatever the decision.

Joy Elliot, Upper Hutt – I see this as being similar to having to work. Try to take the emotion out of the situation and not be offended by your friend’s reaction by thinking about what options could work for both of you. This way you can respect your friend’s view and still love your toddler and yourself.

Maybe have a friend take your toddler to a park or fun place nearby and when they need feeding have your friend pop back with your son so you can feed him in a foyer or similar quiet place inside the wedding/reception venue. If it is at night this may be trickier. You may need to think about going to the wedding/reception and leaving early so everyone is happy. I hope you find a happy solution for all of you.

Rowena Harper, Hamilton – Gosh, what a terrible predicament. Although I can’t offer any advice from experience, perhaps you could tackle her wedding in two parts: the ceremony, where the odd squawk shouldn’t worry anyone (after all this is the bit that is theoretically open to the public in order to ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’) and the breakfast, with all the speeches, dinner and dancing.

Perhaps accept the invitation to the ceremony on behalf of you and your toddler (then you get to see the important teary bit), and decline the reception as you want to respect her wish to not have children attend. You could also add to the reply that as much as you would love to attend, right now, circumstances dictate that you are not able to separate from your child. If she is adamant about having no children, she will accept your compromise.

Yes, she might not understand now, but good friends get over the bad times, and hopefully one day, she will be blessed with children too and might come to understand your decision.

Karen Silvers, Christchurch – I too have not wanted to be separated from my young children and found little support or empathy from others. This also applied to my desire to meet my children’s needs at night and to breastfeed them in general. One wonderful LLL Leader once told me that not wanting to leave my young children with anyone else was entirely natural – an expression of lactation aggression seen widely in the animal kingdom. What animal would leave their offspring until they can fend for themselves?

While it has been truly wondrous to watch my young children develop relationships with other adults, it never occurred to me that they should be left alone to do this until they were able to express their needs clearly. My children are both secure, strong and healthy, and I know that I’ll never regret putting them first at such an early stage of development.

My advice is to go back to your friend and tell her exactly how you are feeling and to say that it isn’t something you can really compromise on as it would go against your strong mother instinct. Acknowledge her wish to keep her wedding day child free but see if she is willing to work out a way for you to attend some or all of the celebration. Find out exactly why she is unwilling to invite children to the wedding. For instance, she might be worried that they will disrupt the service. If this is the case, you might decide not to attend or perhaps you could agree to take your toddler out if they get noisy. Other options include having someone to care for your toddler outside the ceremony venue or leaving them with family for the duration of the ceremony, and then either bringing them to the reception or returning home to them.
All the very best with this, and remember to stay true to yourself and your parenting journey.

Michelle Bennett, Christchurch – I can totally see both sides of this situation. When I got married almost 3 years ago I asked my family and friends not to bring their children – my reasoning was that I had attended a wedding a few years ago where the children (niece & nephew of the bride) totally ran riot and diverted the attention of the guests away from the service. My friends fortunately were fine with this.

I went to a wedding six weeks after my daughter was born and although my friends did not ask me to come without my daughter, I felt that it would be hypocritical to do so. My sister came along with me and my husband and I went into the church at the last minute and my sister just walked my daughter around in the pram.. We then went home before the reception and did her bed/feed routine and Mum minded her so we could go to the reception.

It is a difficult situation for you to be placed in but even if you did what I did and attended the service you can still see your friend get married even if you feel you can’t leave your son for the evening part of the proceedings. It is her special day as much as her decision may be hurtful for you.

Julie Moyle, Dunedin – I too faced a similar situation when invited to my own brother’s wedding. It breaks my heart to this day when I think about it.

I had to do what was right for my then baby and respectfully decline the invitation. This caused a lot of stress on our family dynamics with a major breakdown however I was simply not prepared to compromise the safety and security of our son. I pleaded for an allowance for our then eight month old, as did my parents but this fell on deaf ears.

If I was faced with the dilemma again. I would have no hesitation in making the very same decision, even with the same outcome. I am pleased to say the relationship has improved, and who knows, maybe because my brother now has children of his own?